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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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The
Sun and Moon are both in Leo. You're strong and getting stronger.
You have determination, power and enthusiasm. You also have syphilis,
gonorrhea and crabs. You're a filthy, disease-ridden whore. Why don't
you just go kill yourself today? |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
may have trouble dealing with reality for the next few days. You took
waaay too much of that shit this weekend and you won't be coming down
for at least another 3 days. You may not recover at all. You might
have to spend the rest of your life hallucinating. Some trips really
do last forever. Asswipe. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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A
crowd will gather for you later today. You might even be the star
of the show. I guess you could call it a show. They'll only really
want to get a glimpse of the wreckage and your charred body, but at
least you'll be entertaining them, right? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You could make
more money, soon. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.
Is it you? No. You're far too stupid for it and you'll only make
a fool of yourself if you try. Stick to something simple, like digging
ditches. Retard.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
should go on vacation, starting now. Who cares if you just got back
from vacation today? You tell your boss that you're going on vacation
again right fucking NOW. If he gives you any shit about it,
kick him in the nuts. If your boss is a woman, give her tittie-twisters
until she agrees. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You'll
find yourself out of money today, but what's worse is, you'll find
yourself 'out of pocket' too. If you don't' want to be beat with a
hot wire clothes hanger like the last time, quit looking at other
pimps. Rain, sleet or snow; you better have his dough. Ho. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You've
got a booger hanging out of your nose. Take care of that before someone
sees it. That's gross. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
will fall asleep tonight in a pool of your own blood. You'll stop
breathing around midnight and never wake up. Fuck you. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
can have the perfect romance. The funny thing is, you'll get it by
going along with what the other person wants! This only works if you're
in a healthy relationship with a person who loves you. Otherwise,
you'll wake up every morning bound in duct tape with your ass bleeding.
Trust me, you don't want that. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Home
and family take precedence over everything. The best word for this
time is 'exciting'. Are you getting new furniture? A rug? Maybe you're
moving into a whole new house! No. wait a minute. It's coming to me
now. I can almost see it. I got it! Your house is on fire, and your
family is trapped inside! Oh well, I guess that's more 'tragic' than
'exciting'. Sorry. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Good
things can happen to you today, Gemini, but only if you say the word
"Vagina" to everyone you speak to. It will be difficult, but you can
do it. Try to slip it into the conversation with phrases like, "Is
that a rotten trout in your pants or is that your vagina
I am smelling?" People will hardly even notice. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Fashion
is a statement, sometimes a risk. Tattooing a swastika on your forehead
is neither. It's just plain stupid. |
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