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January
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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
need to have some courage on a day like today. That's all we're going
to tell you. A LOT of courage. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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After
the wave of recent high school shootings, you'd think you'd be smart
enough to bring your gun to school with you? You can get around the
radar detectors by making your gun out of candy. It won't be as effective,
but hey, a candy gun is better than no gun at all. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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A
financial breakthrough will leave you with an excess of funds. Use
all the money as quickly as you can, because coincidentally, a nearby
prison break out will leave you mugged, raped and killed. Not necessarily
in that order. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Stop
trying to be something your not. Everyone can see you are not REALLY
Michael Jackson. For starters, Michael Jackson is white. Second, Billy
Jean is NOT his lover. She was just some girl who THOUGHT that he
was the one. And the kid is NOT his son. Jackass. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
have a great color and decorating sense. For a homeless person, that
is. So why live in a big plain box? Hang up some decorative napkins
or make a pretty design with miscellaneous bottle caps. Take advantage
of the neutral beige and greens of the sidewalks and dumpsters. Virtually
anything goes with your surroundings. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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It's
hard to know who to turn to in times of need. Today, a big crazy cabbie
will show you the way. Just be careful; he's got a 12-inch penis,
covered with sores, and he knows how to use it. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Do
something nice for yourself. Brew a cup of tea, and stick your balls
in it. Considering what a dick you are, this would actually be the
nicest thing you deserve to happen to you. Asshole. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Selling
vacuum cleaners is a tough racket. Door after door, slamming in your
face. You'd be better off trying your hand in the Jehova's Witness
business. At least then, they'd be slamming the door in the face of
God. And he has a history of making assholes pay in the most painful
of ways. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
feel the need to get in shape. What good would it do, really? You
know you won't stick to it. It'd be one thing if you needed to drop
5 or 10 pounds and tighten up the abs, but you need a complete overhaul.
This is no weekend project. Just stick to what your good at and feed
your fat face. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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It
seems like everyone in town, except you, has been abducted. You're
beginning to think that you aren't worthy of being anally probed,
but buck up, little camper! You ARE worthy of being anally probed
and you WILL get probed, someday. Maybe not by aliens, but that's
another horoscope. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
embarrassed yourself again in front of friends and family with the
old 'beer bottle in the ass' trick. You should know that once the
glass breaks, it's not funny anymore. Stick to drinking from the bottle
and not inserting it in your rectum. You're a pro at that. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
love to exert your energy in creative ways. The stars have heard that
the new art rage is to paint with your own feces. Knowing you, though,
artistic Gemini, you are already ahead of the game! |
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