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July
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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A
financial deal you're involved with should work out well. You're also
going up a notch or two in status. Soon, you'll be driving around
in that new BMW you've always wanted. Assholes like you always drive
BMWs. They should assign them to you at birth. You're a backstabbing
dick. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. A partner could be important
right now. Could be, unless you want to keep jerking off for the rest
of your life. Maybe if you lost some weight, you'd get laid you fat
fuck. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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A
couple of interesting problems need to be solved. Something that's
been difficult is about to become a lot easier. See what happens when
you stop drinking? Even for a day. Too bad you can't control yourself
and you'll be right back in your alcoholic haze by tomorrow. Loser. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You're communicating
well, and you're attracting attention. An older person is impressed.
Take the old guy to a hotel room or, at least do it in his car. If
a cop sees you, you're going to get arrested. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You're in the mood to
try new things. Have you ever tried heroin? Go ahead. All that shit
you hear on the news is a bunch of crap. As long as you do a whole
lot the first time, you'll be just fine. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You're learning a lot,
quickly. Something you've struggled with could finally click into
place. Duhh, you're ugly. Congratulations on figuring it out. Maybe
this will give you a head start on figuring out how stupid you are
too. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. Somebody you know has
an idea that could work. Maybe it's time you invested in a partnership
venture. Maybe it's time you stole their idea, killed them, and said
it was your own. Hmmm. Decisions decisions. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. More needs to be done,
although heaven knows you've worked long enough. It's taken you almost
your entire life to perfect your disgusting eating habits. What are
you going to do with them now, you pig. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. It's time for you to
take action. Say or do something that will make a big difference in
your relationship with a loved one. It could simply be time to finally
punch that annoying bitch in the face. That'll get your point across.
That cunt has had it coming for a long time now. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. This is a good day for
solving problems. You've hassled with something at home for weeks,
and it could finally clear up. Of course, it could just be that it's
going into remission. Herpes has a way of doing that. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. Your career could be
important to you now. If you're already retired, this applies to some
goal you want to achieve. Anyway, if you're already retired, you're
pretty much just sitting around waiting to die anyway. Have some more
Jell-O, geezer. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You should be pretty
busy. You may want to travel, but that doesn't look like a great idea.
That little ankle bracelet you're wearing will alert the police if
you travel more than 100 ft from the base. That's pronounced Poh-leece.
Dickwad. |
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