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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
have several bad qualities, but let's look at the good ones. Your
lungs work, and you are too scary looking to ever worry about getting
fucked with. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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The
good news is, you are going to implode. The bad news is, you are going
to catch on fire first. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
need to look back at how you have spent the last 20 years. There might
be someone out there who will find it impressive that you have spent
most of your life building a shrine of worship for Bruce Springsteen,
but probably not. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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A Haiku: You're
a big dumb slut. Why don't you stop sucking dick? Just for crack
cocaine?
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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The
stars know what you're thinking, but it's not you. When you run into
the park in nothing but your trench coat, you are on top of your game!
Your speed is up. Your facial expressions are scary. You are the shit.
It's your audience. Your audience sucks! They aren't worthy of the
effort you put into them. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Being
outdoors at night is like therapy. The next time you go outside, look
up to the sky. Your big ugly nose makes the stars laugh. Laughter
is great medicine. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Aquarius
is afraid of the dark. Big stupid poopy-pants; you are all grown up
and still afraid of the dark. Back to your horoscope: You will be
eaten by the monster in your closet tonight. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
are planning on having sex with that person you met at the bar, aren't
you? Sex is naughty and evil. Semen rhymes with demon. Don't ever
have sex again. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Your
parents are planning to surprise you with another annoying visit.
The best thing you can do is leave home. You are no match for them.
How can you compete with your middle aged know it all dad and your
'knows what's best for you' mom? |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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The
stars would like to give you your whore-o-scope, but you are so annoying,
they can't bare to be around you. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
are a real trooper, Gemini. Well, you will be; after you sympathy
fuck that fat freak who might have otherwise stayed a virgin forever.
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
are very capable, able bodied, and have much talent. Since you don't
have the motivation to back it up, add 50 cents and you might get
a cup of piss out of life. Cheers, idiot. |
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