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January
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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
have a drive to be the best. You will never be the best, but your
heart is in the right place. Keep practicing! |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Something
is putting a smile on your face and people are noticing. Too bad that
what's putting it there is also leaving human feces stuck all over
your teeth as well. You are one sick motherfucker. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
always wanted to be number one, but instead you are number two. Not
number two as in second place. Number two as in a big piece of shit. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
have a strong , but unfortunately, incorrect sense of who your friends
are. For example, would a friend have sex with your mother? Well.
Pretty much all of your friends have. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
are a dimwitted individual; you are bad tempered and full of flatulence.
Don't try to better yourself in any way, everyone would see through
the efforts of someone as stupid, grumpy and smelly as you are. The
stars give you two fiery thumbs down. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
have recently done something very wrong to someone. Though you feel
bad, and regret having done it, the stars have issued a beheading.
It's too late to stop it. The cosmic wheels have already been set
in motion. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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The
3rd house is a mess today. It is not advisable to go out in public.
Take the day off and stay home. Make sure you have no pants on. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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As
a professional cosmetician and advisor, it is my duty to tell you
that you were spotted leaving a porno shop yesterday, reverend. You
are so done. The stars aren't big fans of the "Lord" or anything,
but Jesus Christ. You are a man of God! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Summer
is peaking. You make your best money during the summer months, being
the town whore and all. In winter, you get lazy. You say, "It's too
cold to turn tricks in the snow." You should have known that your
two children would follow in your footsteps. You set a great example.
Good work, jackass. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
will meet someone very scary today. He or she will try to tell you
things that you know are not true, like that you are a beautiful and
intelligent. No one would believe that about you. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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There
is no reason for you to feel insecure today. You are always comparing
yourself to others, but you should know by now that there is nothing
wrong with you. You just happen to have a very special body type:
the type of body that looks better with clothes on. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Don't
rely too much on your instincts. It is good to keep in contact with
your animal nature. It's just that your inner animal is a wildebeest.
Seeing you rip a tree out of the ground with your bare hands can be
little intimidating to friends. |
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