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January
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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
assume too much. You are Asian but your "parents" are black. Do the
genetic math. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
should get a dog. Then you can teach it how to lick peanut butter
off your crotch. That sounds like a fun, hands-free, no-holds-barred
way to invent a new disease. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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A
fun way to disguise a receding hairline is to stick many toothpicks
into your scalp. Not only will this blend in with any hair color,
but it will give off the impression that you are insane and not to
be associated with under any circumstances. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Someone
has broken into your house - your 'astrological' house, that is! They
are painting graffiti on the walls and shitting on the living room
rug - figuratively, of course! |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
have been waiting for your personal 'heroes' to inspire you with song
to give your life meaning. Wait no longer! Michael Jackson and Prince
are planning that duet right now! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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(For
all Virgo inmates) Oh, Virgo! When will you learn that you can't always
be the butt fucker guy? Sometimes you have to be the butt fuckee.
It's like the old expression; sometimes you get the bear and sometimes
the bear gets you. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Being
a Jewish Libra makes you what is known to the stars as a Li-brew.
It also makes you a traitor to your religion. Make up your mind, indecisive
Li-brew! You can worship the stars or the father of all creation,
but you can't worship both. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
have many issues on your mind as restless, curious, manipulative,
ass-eating, mind warping, face bashing, supportive, genital wart having
Pluto enters your house. The first thing you need to do is get away
from this nutty 'Pluto' creep. That is probably the main source of
your problems. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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A
slice of bread always lands buttered side up. That is something to
keep in mind the next time you are eating bread. Oh, also, you can
lead a horse to water but not without drinking it's urine first. Or
something like that. Madame is tired. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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People
are urging you to go against your plans. Why not just give prostitution
a try? You could call it something colorful, like 'hooking', to mislead
people. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Try
to learn something new every day. Do YOU know how to make a crack
pipe out of a tin can? Can YOU tell the difference between cannabis
and sativa? Do YOU know how to make a bomb out of an every day alarm
clock? Life is a never-ending educational process. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
are feeling lost and confused. The cause for these feelings may be
an astral earthquake, which could have shifted your constellation.
There are many other people experiencing those same discomforting
sensations. Those people have ACTUAL REASONS to feel the way they
do while you're just in the early stages of schizophrenia.
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