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January
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July
2000
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W
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13
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Why
are you dieting? No body cares whether you are fat or thin, because
you're ugly |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Sometimes
it is better to think before speaking. But in your case, it would
be better to never speak again. Every time you open your mouth a verbal
equivalent to a fart dribbles out. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
may be a midget prostitute, but don't sell yourself short. You are
worth $11. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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When
visiting relatives, keep this in mind: They don't want you there as
much as you don't want to be there. They can't wait for you to leave.
You scare and confuse them with your rap music and your one eyed girlfriend.
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
should get revenge on someone who you know has got it out for you,
and soon. As the golden rule says: Do unto others before they do unto
you. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Having
a speech impediment is god's personal way of blessing someone who
would otherwise be talking too much and getting lots of ass kickings.
Don't take it so badly. The lord works in mysterious ways. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Every
year for the past 20 birthdays you have wished it would 'rain men'
for real like in the song. When the gay bar down town gets bombed
tonight, you just might get your wish. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Scorpios
are known for their ability to eat more spaghetti than any other sign.
You sure can pack spaghetti away. Look at you go. The stars bet you
are eating spaghetti right now, you spaghetti eating Scorpio head.
Don't forget the sauce, spaghetti face. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
have always wanted to act as a player in a civil war reenactment.
The civil war reenactment coalition has reviewed your application,
and your brain will be hired tomorrow to fill the role of a musket
ball. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Be
unique. Start a trend. Instead of throwing rice at the next wedding
you attend, throw a Chinese person. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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People
in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but people like you, who live
in trailers, have been known to throw anything from a cat to a car
battery. It is a fun game that trailer folk play called, 'throw something.'
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
need to stop wasting your time shooting at things like beer cans.
You are ready to go on to moving targets. Try asking your cousin to
run with a beer can. |
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