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July
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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In
order to achieve your goals, you need to have a plan of attack. Your
plan of attack should not, under any circumstances, be confused with
a panic attack, which will just make everyone around you think you
are some kind of crazy hippie. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
love to be the butt of everyone's jokes. But did you ever think that
maybe people would like to make someone else the butt for a change?
Stop being so selfish all the time. You aren't so great. That is why
everyone is making fun of you in the first place. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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The
best way to get the things in life that you want is to take hostages.
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Never
mind all the crazy things that people have been saying about you and
that teenage hooker. If they like to talk so much, why don't you give
them something to really talk about? |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Dildos
are red, vibrators are blue, buttplugs are way too big for your butthole.
Why not try again in a year or so, when you are 16? |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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For
life's problems, Virgo, you should try giving your inner-voice the
demeanor of sports personality Marv Albert. Then make the voice say
whatever Marv would say in the given situation. Make sure whatever
the voice says ends with Albert's trademark, 'Yessss! Yessss!' Then,
bite someone's back and ass. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Dear
Libra; The stars are really pissing me off with their lack of color
coordination. And Jupiter! He wears those same rings with EVERYTHING!
Help, Libra. How can I tell the stars and Jupiter that they need a
fashion makeover? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Your
mother has been going to see an astrologist. You need to tell her
that psychics and all that other bullcrap are a waste of time and
money. A bunch of liars and freaks, those nutty stargazers are! |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Whenever
life seems to get you down, just focus your thoughts on Puff. You
know, the magic dragon. He was such a carefree 'rascal' who frolicked
in the autumn mist by the sea. When was the last time you frolicked
in the mist? You should get your priorities in order, pal. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Some countries believe that if you make love to a virgin
it removes sexually transmitted diseases. At this point in the game,
anything's worth a try. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Look,
aquarius. You're an ok guy, so I'm gonna give it to you straight:
I've been sleeping with your wife. Also, your wife is actually a man.
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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As
the stars gaze down on you, Jupiter is pointing and laughing. He's
thinks he's so big! Are you gonna let him get away with that? Why
not teach them all a lesson by shooting your boss? That'll show Jupiter!
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