Fugly
Did you know?... The penis of a barnacle may reach up to 20 times its body size!
2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Sunday
July 30, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You have always wanted to be a model, but you should give up. For starters, you aren't attractive. You need to lose about ten more pounds, and in addition, your nose is too big and your teeth are a little crooked. But the stars see a great future for you as a telemarketer or a landscaper, and there's no shame in that.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You have always wanted to be an electrician, and by George, what a great decision! No one in your family is an electrician, so it must have been a spontaneous and thoughtless choice. Good for you. See you at the go-go bar, or the work clothes store.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You have always wanted to be a cowboy/girl and what a great career move. You have no teeth, you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, you own 15 plaid shirts and nothing but jeans. You have a great pair of boots with spurs and all, and you love horses. Go get 'em, champ. See you in a Marlboro Country ad someday. Rock and roll.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You have always wanted to be a go-go dancer, but you have no breasts. And you're a man, for christ's sake! They don't make go-go dancer shoes in size 14. Get some help before you get beat up by 7 crazy drunks in a parking lot some night.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You aren't good with children. This isn't too great, considering you have 12 of them. Maybe you should consider giving some of them out as Christmas gifts next year. You'll save yourself a bundle in wrapping and shopping costs!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Do you even know what a Capricorn is? It is a big monster that lives in the woods with horns and pointy teeth. It eats fat men and balding women. That is what you are. That is what you have become. You scare me, Capricorn.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
So, how do you like this fugly.com website? Pretty crazy, huh? But you'll be back. Because you're a lunatic and a wacko! You scare me, Aquarius. If I were in a dark alley with you, I would throw something at you, like a can of beans or creamed corn, because I hate creamed corn.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
The next time you are walking down the road, hollar or whistle at a person of the opposite sex. You should make sure if it is a woman, that they are exercising or that they have children with them. Make sure it is the most inconvenient time of the day. They love that kind of stuff! If it is a man, you should make sure he is with a girl. It could just be his sister. Be brave!
Aries
March 20- April 19
You are very concerned with nutrition, fat and calorie intake. Why don't you try a low fat snack that everyone loves? Penis water. You know how good water is for you. And you don't even have to add anything to it like sugar or protein powder. It's all there, free for the taking.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Isn't it great to be rich? You wake up every morning and just spend money all day. Someday those people you robbed will catch up with you but by then the money will be all gone and there won't be any reason to live anyway. I mean, what's life worth without money?
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You can always be counted on to cheer up a friend who's feeling down, except this time. Sleeping with your friend's lover will never make anyone feel better. Way to go, you insensitive piece of shit.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
All cancers everywhere will be glad to know that today you will find a turtle. The turtle will be a magical turtle. It will give you three wishes. Use them wisely!
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