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January
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July
2000
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13
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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The
stars are chillin' with Jupiter poolside, bs-in' with the hotties.
You are at home with something in your butt. A Lego...or pretzel....
You are never going to get a date at this rate. But something tells
me you are perfectly content right where you are, doing just what
you are doing - Lego in butt and all. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
have no sense of shame. That can be good in some instances, but not
when nothing can stop you from running down the road naked, stopping
only to piss on red cars. Why red? Who knows? You didn't make sense
to your family growing up and you make no sense to anyone now. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Support
your local softball team. Become a coach. That way, you can support
your NAMBLA membership dues as well. How very disturbing you are.
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Well,
you never thought that life would take you here. School library; no
one is here but you. The kids have all gone home and you are all by
yourself. You are in a privileged position here. Your own key and
everything. Just make sure to get to the library toilets. There is
one stall that is teeming with hepatitis A and needs to be cleaned,
badly. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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So
you got a few. well, all of your teeth knocked out. You would be surprised
at the things you can eat without teeth. Oh, the list goes on forever.
Jelly, beer, soda. And men just LOVE the way a toothless mouth feels!
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
are feeling out of breath today. You like to think it is because you
are 'stressed out' but it is actually because your lungs are bleeding.
You have achieved every conceivable smoker's illness -Emphysema, rotting
teeth, halitosis, gingivitis, bleeding lungs. Next stop - one of those
crazy neck boxes. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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It's
Sunday. You've got a few extra bucks in your pocket. Why not do something
fun and different. Something you can even do with the kids. That's
right; get a tattoo. Get it on a place where no one else really has
one, like across the bridge of your nose or IN your ear. Be original.
You might get laid if you get a tattoo. It'd be your best feature.
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Yesterday
was a terrible day for you. You got into a fight, you stepped in shit,
your car got stolen, you found out your mom was a closet heroin addict
and you found out you were adopted. There are days, and there are
days! But don't worry. Today will be a good day. Well, 'good' in the
sense that, it won't be quite as bad as yesterday. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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1985
- what a great year for you. You were just getting ready to drop out
of high school. A baby on the way. Feathered hair; a roach clip barrette.
Ah.glory days. Today - prison isn't so bad...now that you learned
how to make toilet beer. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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The
stars hate to be the ones to tell you this but horoscopes aren't real.
They are just make-believe. Is that a tear we see? Don't cry. You
can pretend that they are real. Here - you are going to lose your
finger in a fan today. Now, go and make that happen. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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A
haiku:
You are gonna move
Your house will have many rooms
You'll be someone's bitch |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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There
is no need to be alarmed about the changes that are going on, 'down
there.' Pubic hair is a natural occurrence. The part that you should
be alarmed about is the fact that you are just now starting to get
some, at age 24. Some people bloom late, but you aren't a late bloomer
- you are just not right. |
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