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July
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You've
been powerful over the past few weeks, and your self-confidence should
have grown. Too bad that's the only thing that will grow now that
you're completely impotent. This happens to almost everybody at one
time or another. Almost everybody. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You're
getting stronger by the minute. This will be a good weekend to party,
and you've got plenty of reasons to celebrate. You're out on bail!
You convinced that bitch to get an abortion and you got two fresh
tattoos! You're sitting on top of the world! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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A
friend can give you a good idea, but your inside connection provides
the clue you've been seeking. This is called 'insider-trading' and
it's illegal. Soon you'll be pimped for cigarettes, and sucking dicks
for protection in a federal prison. Way to go, jackass. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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A
partner is important to you, always. Libra is the sign of partnerships.
But, since you're such a disgusting fat pig, finding a partner is
pretty much out of the question for you. Why don't you have another
piece of cake? Fat-ass. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
may feel slightly agitated. Your temper may be just a tad shorter
than usual, but your energy level's pretty high. This is the day you've
been waiting for. This is the perfect day for you to go into that
mall and start shooting, just like you've always wanted to. Strike
now, while the iron is hot. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You've
worked so hard for so long, it's about time you had some fun. What
did you dream about while you were stuck behind that grindstone? Did
you dream about dressing up like a woman and sneaking into the girl's
locker room? Probably so, you sick mother fucker. Well, go do it! |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
and a partner need to get serious about what you're going to buy for
your home. Sure, it's on cinderblocks, but you could at least get
one of those screens that sits at ground level and covers up the wheels
and the axels. Maybe try taking that El Camino out of the front lawn
too, you redneck piece of shit. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
may be busy for most of the day, but you can wrap up that job. You
and your favorite playmate need to get out for a romp. Whatever you
do, don't let your spouse know. And for heaven's sake, don't let anyone
know your playmate is 14 years old. Someone should lock you up. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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So
look around. People need services, maybe even a service you could
provide, and they're feeling generous. Funny how everyone told you
that you were a huge slut in high School. Well, who's laughing now?
That's right! You! Whore! |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You're
probably starting to feel better already. That's ok. A lot of times
those new drugs will work wonders at first. Soon you'll be back to
coughing up blood and you'll probably die in your sleep sometime this
weekend. Ha! |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
may be worried that you haven't finished everything on your list.
Stop fretting and crank yourself up to full speed. Get it? Crank?
I think you know what I'm talking about, and you know exactly where
to get some. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Pisces into Aries. You
and your friends should be having a pretty good time today. You'll
have even more fun as the weekend progresses. After that, her body
is going to start to smell and you'll probably have to bury her. |
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