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July
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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A
Haiku: Maybe for dessert: Do not eat that whole cheese-cake. Or your
ass will grow. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Maybe
there is nothing wrong with eating a bucket of food a day like they
do at the zoo. You always said you loved animals. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Why
worry about life? You have a party to get ready for! Gingivitis? Just
keep your mouth shut and smile, smile, smile! Lice? No one will know
if you don't itch. Just make sure you get to that party and fast.
After all, isn't that what life is all about? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You love confrontation.
Remember that time you let that woman get in front of you at the
grocery store, then you punched her in the head with a ham hock
and said she butted in front of you? That was great. Keep up the
good work.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
aren't doing anything wrong in life. Everyone else is! Just remember
that. It isn't you. It's them. Like that time you ran over that elderly
blind lady trying to cross the street? She just didn't make it across
the street fast enough. You rock. Just look in the mirror every morning
after your breakfast treat of cocaine and heroin mixed together and
remind yourself how great you really are. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
know what your problem is? Vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina. Get rid
of the vagina, and you get rid of all your problems. Just try it and
see. If it doesn't work, you can always (never) get it back, but who
cares? Life is for living and learning. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Why do
you bother to check your horoscopes? Do you think you are going to
see something fun and exciting in your future, like, "You are going
to go to Barbados?" You aren't going to Barbados. If you ever do go
to Barbados, you are going to get bit by a tarantula or catch malaria.
Have a good day. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your spouse
has asked us to tell you that you smell a lot. I don't know what good
it is going to do to tell you, because on top of smelling, you are
a big dumb idiot with bad hygiene and no sense of humor. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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At work,
try using a different response then you normally would. Say "YES"
the next time you are asked to do some work, and say "NO" if it involves
polishing your employer's penis. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Taurus,
you bore us. (The stars and myself.) Hows about you get a hobby. Even
if you were bald and walked around the park with a metal detector,
it'd up your interest level. I've met the most retarded idiots in
the world, and they had more interesting personalities than you. You
suck. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Treat yourself
to a nice surprise. Why not go and buy yourself a ticket to see Harry
Pusie in concert? Everyone loves sweet Harry Pusie. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Cancer,
cancer, the go go dancer. How does your coke habit grow? With fat
millionaires and lap dances in chairs, and lines of powder in the
bathroom, all in a row. |
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