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January
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May
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July
2000
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T
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13
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Work
will become much easier thanks to a lucky break, but only because
you'll be confined to a hospital bed for weeks. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Someone
who you've blown off in the past is going to ask you out on a date,
but don't accept. It is definitely a set up. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Ruled
by self-loving Venus, Librans can grow quite fond of their penis.
But your penis will never love you back. Your penis is selfish and
spits on your hand. Your penis is gross. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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A MAD LIB HOROSCOPE:
You smoke too much of the (noun) but no matter how (adjective) it
gets, your (family member) will just blame it on you and your stupid
(noun). On (day) you will be influenced by (planet) and you will
meet a stranger while you are (verb).
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Don't
underestimate the importance of using drugs. They can help you to
meet people you otherwise might never have met. They can help you
to feel free enough to tell your neighbors or others how you really
feel about them. In addition, they can help you commit random acts
of violence without regard for reason, or accountability. Just remember
this phrase: "It was the drugs, man." |
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Capricorn(y)
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Capricorn
is known as the most idiotic member of the zodiac. Capricorn has a
tendency to say stupid things all the time, embarrassing everyone
in their presence. Every time you say something, it is so moronic
that one of the stars punches Jupiter in the face. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Some
people think that single Aquarians who have abstained from sex are
great, but really they are just boring nerds. Why would you do that?
To prove some kind of point? You are a dork. Get a life. Stop using
that "Oh, I abstain" as a cover for the fact that YOU JUST CAN'T GET
LAID! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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An
old flame will be making itself known very soon. Remember that raging
case of hemorrhoids? How could you forget? Put that flame out for
good with Tucks. Now, that's some good shit. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Aries
is known for having the 'gift of gab' but you just plain old talk
too much. It wouldn't be so bad if what you were saying had some substance,
but a conversation with you is sort of like getting an ice pick in
the eye again and again, complete with a lot of pain and a bleeding
brain. To put it Happy Gilmore style: Why don't you treat yourself...to
a nice warm glass of 'shut the hell up!' |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Your
sign is known as the "Cli"-Taurus, and for a damn good reason that
everyone in town knows about. Keep up the good work! |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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The
stars have always thought it odd that they call Gemini, 'the twins'
when you don't have a twin. You don't even have any siblings. Come
to think of it, you don't even have any friends. And your personality
sucks. And your haircut is stupid. And you have pimples. And your
teeth are dumb looking...cause they're too big. They should change
Gemini from 'the twins' to 'horse-tooth jackass.' |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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The
sign of the mother, you have an overwhelming tendency to look after
others. Why don't you mind your own business and butt out? No one
wants to hear your two cents. Keep it and buy yourself two pieces
of that square gum that is all different colors and tastes like cat
piss. |
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