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January
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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
have always wanted to be a model, but you should give up. For starters,
you aren't attractive. You need to lose about ten more pounds, and
in addition, your nose is too big and your teeth are a little crooked.
But the stars see a great future for you as a telemarketer or a landscaper,
and there's no shame in that. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
have always wanted to be an electrician, and by George, what a great
decision! No one in your family is an electrician, so it must have
been a spontaneous and thoughtless choice. Good for you. See you at
the go-go bar, or the work clothes store. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
have always wanted to be a cowboy/girl and what a great career move.
You have no teeth, you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, you
own 15 plaid shirts and nothing but jeans. You have a great pair of
boots with spurs and all, and you love horses. Go get 'em, champ.
See you in a Marlboro Country ad someday. Rock and roll. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You have always
wanted to be a go-go dancer, but you have no breasts. And you're
a man, for christ's sake! They don't make go-go dancer shoes in
size 14. Get some help before you get beat up by 7 crazy drunks
in a parking lot some night.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
aren't good with children. This isn't too great, considering you have
12 of them. Maybe you should consider giving some of them out as Christmas
gifts next year. You'll save yourself a bundle in wrapping and shopping
costs! |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Do
you even know what a Capricorn is? It is a big monster that lives
in the woods with horns and pointy teeth. It eats fat men and balding
women. That is what you are. That is what you have become. You scare
me, Capricorn. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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So,
how do you like this fugly.com website? Pretty crazy, huh? But you'll
be back. Because you're a lunatic and a wacko! You scare me, Aquarius.
If I were in a dark alley with you, I would throw something at you,
like a can of beans or creamed corn, because I hate creamed corn.
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
next time you are walking down the road, hollar or whistle at a person
of the opposite sex. You should make sure if it is a woman, that they
are exercising or that they have children with them. Make sure it
is the most inconvenient time of the day. They love that kind of stuff!
If it is a man, you should make sure he is with a girl. It could just
be his sister. Be brave! |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
are very concerned with nutrition, fat and calorie intake. Why don't
you try a low fat snack that everyone loves? Penis water. You know
how good water is for you. And you don't even have to add anything
to it like sugar or protein powder. It's all there, free for the taking.
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Isn't
it great to be rich? You wake up every morning and just spend money
all day. Someday those people you robbed will catch up with you but
by then the money will be all gone and there won't be any reason to
live anyway. I mean, what's life worth without money? |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
can always be counted on to cheer up a friend who's feeling down,
except this time. Sleeping with your friend's lover will never make
anyone feel better. Way to go, you insensitive piece of shit. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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All
cancers everywhere will be glad to know that today you will find a
turtle. The turtle will be a magical turtle. It will give you three
wishes. Use them wisely! |
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