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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You're
powerful, assertive, gentle and passionate. The only thing you have
to watch out for is your language. Too bad you have Terrets Syndrome.
People will eventually get used to your outbursts. Soon, you screaming
"cunt" in the middle of church will be no big deal, but
until then. try to control your self a little. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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If
you have fears, they're probably bugging you right now. Is there anything
you need to clean up? Those enormous pools of blood in the living
room might be a good place to start. You had to use
the chainsaw didn't you? You're a fucking idiot. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
and your friends have no trouble keeping busy. You're coming up with
all sorts of new projects. Let's see, beating old women and stealing
their social security checks... Lighting bums on fire... Date rape.
You guys are more fun than a barrell of monkeys! |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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A
strong authority figure is in your life now, and this person may be
difficult to figure out. You've been used to pitching for some time
now, so catching is going to take some getting used to. Your sphincter
is in for some serious punishment, Mary. Better get used to it. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You're
probably already on the road. You've had itchy feet for the past few
days. That's just athelete's foot. Being a prostitute requires a lot
of walking. Try getting yourself some more comfortable shoes. Do you
really think you're going to turn that many more tricks
wearing those ridiculous high heels. You're nothing but a cum guzzling
road whore. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Don't
start a new project now. If you're working any sort of deal, carry
the paperwork around yourself and make sure it doesn't get lost. Trust
noone. Force everyone you know to give you the 'secret password' before
you'll speak to them on the phone. Your spouse is plotting against
you. Better get rid of him/her. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Are
you getting married today? Engaged? Hahahaha! We've got photos of
him/her with two dicks in his/her mouth. Haaaaahhhaa! |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Pay
attention to details. Odds are good that mistakes will be made, and
you don't want to be the one who makes them. i fyou fuck this up you
could spend the rest of your life in prison. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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This
looks like a great day to fall in love. You're probably feeling giggly,
maybe even goofy. You really ought to quit drinking so much. You're
going to end up in bed with another fat slob and this time he/she
will give you herpes. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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The
Sun and Moon are both in Cancer. Relax. You're under quite a lot of
pressure now. Go along with what the majority wants. A circle jerk
is no place to make enemies. You're got to be able to trust these
guys with your life. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You're
smart, especially if you're reviewing information you should already
know. Think about that for a second. Why would you think you're smart
because you can re-learn something quickly? You're actually very stupid.
You're arrogant too, which makes you even more of a pompous asshole. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
might make a big mistake regarding money, so be careful. Work a deal
that will benefit you and, more importantly, your family. It's a tough
decision but you have to choose. I would recommend selling the girl.
The boy can do more work around the house and, with the potential
for prostitution, you'll probably be able to get a higher price for
a girl. Goodbye macaroni and cheese! Looks like you'll be eating steak
next week! |
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