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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
are going to put on about 20 pounds over the course of the next few
weeks. But don't worry! You will discover a way to make it all disappear
exercising just one finger! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
are having a problem with your siblings right now. They don't like
your lover, who is twice your age. They say that blood is thicker
than water, but not the water that runs from the sacred 'crotch' fountain.
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
are feeling badly about your body because you think your diet is too
high in saturated fats and carbohydrates. Why not try eating a healthy
snack of rocks and dirt - virtually no fat or calories! |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Your
mother wrote us a letter begging us to give you some good advice.
We have learned that life consists of three rules. If you follow these
three rules, you'll be okay: Always brush your teeth twice a day,
look both ways before crossing the street, and smell it before you
stick it in. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
would be doing okay in life, but you spend too much time listening
to rock and roll music and smoking the pot. You might try something
fun and safe, like Sunday Bible camp. Maybe you will even meet God! |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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We
have gotten notice that you are going a little crazy. That's just
great. There aren't enough insane Libras in the world. Now Capricorn
is going down the shitter. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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How's
about brushing your choppers? They look like someone used them to
till the garden. Brushing your teeth regularly won't help you gain
popularity, but at least people won't cover their nose when you talk
to them. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Everyone
is not out to get you. Your postman is supposed to be coming to your
house every day. That is his job. You can open the strangely marked
packages he brings unless they are ticking. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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It
is time you thought about your future. Have you considered joining
the Army? It would probably be your best bet. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Today,
you will experience a little bit of 'bull' at work. (Ha ha!) But don't
let it get you by the 'horns'. (heh heh!) If you time it right, you
will be able to 'trample' the problem. (hoo hey!) |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Your
office politics need help. Open mouth, insert foot. That's the story
of your life. A lot of people don't understand the whole 'foot fetish'
thing. You should save the foot in mouth and toe sucking games for
'after work.' |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Anyone
can see that you are trying to succeed in life, but the drugs and
hookers are stumbling you up along the way. You can't be held responsible
for their influence on you. |
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