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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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A
good way to make a lasting friendship is to get your friends hooked
on drugs. Then when you are sick of hanging out with them, you can
make it look like 'it was an accident.' |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Your
mullet seems to be unhappy today. Try cheering it up with a trip to
the shower. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
will be running low on cash soon. But don't worry, you will gamble
to get yourself out of this tight financial spot. Unfortunately, you
will get robbed on the way home. But don't worry, the cops will catch
the theif. Unfortunately, they will keep the money. But don't worry,
you will get a free lolly pop at the bank today. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
have a special place in your heart for furry little animals. That
is to say, the meat of the furry little animals maintains your heart
with essential vitamins and minerals. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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The
stars don't care about you. They are too busy eating at fancy restaurants
and wearing Versace dresses. Jupiter, however, has a special place
for you. Jupiter loves you. Jupiter follows you around. Look up in
the sky and there Jupiter is.there for you. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
will meet the man of your dreams today. The man in the dream you had
that chased you with a sharp knife. This time, don't ask him to come
to your house like you did in the dream. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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There
is a chance that you will get what you want in life. But it is more
likely that you will be struck by lightning 18 times. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Do
Do Do! The horoscope you have clicked on has been disconnected. Please
check your sign and click again. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
body needs protein. Try sleeping with your mouth open so more bugs
will crawl in. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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The
next time you are approached by a homeless person asking for a dollar,
why not give it to them? Everyone thinks homeless people are going
to use money to buy drugs, but maybe he just wants a soda. Did you
ever think of that? |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
have always admired birds and their ability to fly. But did you know
that you too can fly? If you don't believe me, why not try it? I bet
you'll be mightily surprised! |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Gemini,
you know how to do all kinds of fun creative things, like turn toilet
water into beer, and make a knife out of a tooth brush. Gain popularity
in your group by teaching others how to make a zip gun out of a lighter.
Don't forget to use it when an especially big guy gets out of hand
and tries putting his hands where they don't belong! |
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