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January
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July
2000
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13
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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A
special someone in your life is going to propose to you today; propose
that you get the hell out of their life. In all honesty, can you blame
them? You have a foot fetish, for Christ sake. That is so 1992. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
have been fancying yourself as Madonna for quite some time now. This
is a step up from when you were pretending that you were Tiffany.
Your doctor says you are making slow progress. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
are 23 and you are still a Virgo. You might consider meeting someone
special with whom to offer your budding flower. Oh - the stars made
a mistake. We meant to say "virgin", but that's not the mistake. The
real mistake is that we used the term budding flower to describe the
contagious S.T.D party you call your genitals. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Libra,
the third cousin of the Chinese zodiac symbol the zebra, has many
similarities to that striped distant relative. It has many more differences
however. The zebra is kind, warm and forgiving. You are warm, but
that is because your herpes sores are burning. Otherwise, you are
a frigid, unforgiving, evil person. The zebra constellation is on
its way over to trample your stupid constellation as we speak. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Someone
will invite you to an event where there will be dancing. Since you
know you can't dance, you should make it seem like you aren't going
because you hate that person. No matter who it is, just pretend that
you wouldn't be seen dead with them. That might hurt their feelings,
but at least you won't be embarrassed. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
are constantly doing as you are told. You are respectful, giving and
you obey your elders. You will be told to eat shit at some point today.
The stars think you know what to do. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
have been in this crazy pyramid racquet for quite some time now. The
stars would suggest that you get out, but you really don't have any
other options. Even the gas station wouldn't hire you for fear that
you would accidentally blow the place to bits. But don't feel bad.
You may be an idiot, but you aren't just any old idiot, you are an
A1 certified idiot. Keep up the good work. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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The
stars heard that you believe in your dreams. Give the stars one good
reason why they shouldn't come down to earth and fart in your mouth
right now? You probably also believe that magical unicorns sleep under
your bed. You make the zodiac sick. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Have
you tried meditating your problems away? It doesn't work, does it?
Meditation is only for celebrities and fat people. Try taking some
painkillers or antidepressants, like all us 'regulars' people. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Pluto
is stuck in Uranus' gravitational pull, if you can believe that. That
spells trouble for your sign's ass. The stars aren't sure, but it
either means that you are going to get anally probed by aliens or
butt raped by a gang of gay bikers. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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An
Aquarius that you know is always saying shit behind your back to one
particularly chubby and inconsiderate Pisces. Talk to a Leo for guidance,
and when you are done, go buy an ounce of weed from the neighborhood
Gemini to cool your mind. Smoke it with a Cancer pal. If you have
no Cancer friends, just smoke it with someone who has cancer.
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Whoever
told you that bestiality was 'in' is a damn liar. Now, go apologize
to your dog, send your friends home and find a different 'hobby'.
Preferably find one that doesn't involve animals of any kind. |
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