Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
July 6, 2000

By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. You're looking good and drawing attention. Go ahead and do what you've planned, and others will get out of your way. Let's face it. If someone won't get out of the way of a drunk man, waving a rifle around, they must want to die. You shouldn't feel bad about what you're doing at all. You've got it all under control.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. You might make good money, but don't spend it all on toys. Instead, invest in your future. Use it to have yourself kryogenically frozen. Then, when they figure out a way to bring you back, you'll be the one to have the last laugh.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. You're lucky, in most regards. You might even improve your cash flow. Sure, it's dangerous and degrading, but at 40 to 60 dollars a shot, there are a lot worse things to do in your spare time than prostitution.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. You may feel rebellious, but keep that to yourself. Look around. How many openly homosexual people do you see in your line of work? That's right, none. I think you know what we're saying.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. You've got things lined up the way you want them. Your partner doesn't have a clue and he/she never will. Not until those shankers start to appear on your genitals that is.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. Be careful and play by the rules. Do what's expected. If you start fucking around in a situation like this, you're liable to get everyone shot. Just keep your stupid mouth shut.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. Travel, romance and just about everything else are going well. Everything that is, except that biopsy. Too bad you'll be dead in 3 weeks.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. You may have a test soon, and hopefully you're ready. That shit can show up in your system for up to 6 weeks, man. You'll never pass. Better start looking for another job.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. Today you should do well working with a partner. It makes sense. Felching is a two-man job. Don't get pushed around; let the other person know what you want. After all, it's your guinne pig damn it!
Aries
March 20- April 19
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. Most of the day you will probably be quite busy. Pay attention; the job needs to be done perfectly. That's why it's critical that somone other than you does it. Don't even attempt it. You screw everything up. You're an idiot.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. You're smart and quick to learn. You're absorbing new information, and you're able to apply it almost immediately. Methamphetamines are fucking great, aren't they. Too bad you'll soon be in restraints, muttering to yourself, wearing nothing but a pair of urine stained underpants.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Virgo to Libra. If you're trying to figure out how to get a special item for your home, slow down. Take a deep breath, and forget about it. You're on welfare, remember? What are you nuts? What do you need ice sculptured penises for anyway?
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