Fugly
Did you know?... The little bags of netting for gas lanterns (called 'mantles') are radioactive...so much so that they will set of an alarm at a nuclear reactor.
2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
July 27, 2000


By Madame Borkofsky
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Work will become much easier thanks to a lucky break, but only because you'll be confined to a hospital bed for weeks.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Someone who you've blown off in the past is going to ask you out on a date, but don't accept. It is definitely a set up.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Ruled by self-loving Venus, Librans can grow quite fond of their penis. But your penis will never love you back. Your penis is selfish and spits on your hand. Your penis is gross.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

A MAD LIB HOROSCOPE: You smoke too much of the (noun) but no matter how (adjective) it gets, your (family member) will just blame it on you and your stupid (noun). On (day) you will be influenced by (planet) and you will meet a stranger while you are (verb).

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Don't underestimate the importance of using drugs. They can help you to meet people you otherwise might never have met. They can help you to feel free enough to tell your neighbors or others how you really feel about them. In addition, they can help you commit random acts of violence without regard for reason, or accountability. Just remember this phrase: "It was the drugs, man."
Capricorn(y)
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Capricorn is known as the most idiotic member of the zodiac. Capricorn has a tendency to say stupid things all the time, embarrassing everyone in their presence. Every time you say something, it is so moronic that one of the stars punches Jupiter in the face.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Some people think that single Aquarians who have abstained from sex are great, but really they are just boring nerds. Why would you do that? To prove some kind of point? You are a dork. Get a life. Stop using that "Oh, I abstain" as a cover for the fact that YOU JUST CAN'T GET LAID!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
An old flame will be making itself known very soon. Remember that raging case of hemorrhoids? How could you forget? Put that flame out for good with Tucks. Now, that's some good shit.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Aries is known for having the 'gift of gab' but you just plain old talk too much. It wouldn't be so bad if what you were saying had some substance, but a conversation with you is sort of like getting an ice pick in the eye again and again, complete with a lot of pain and a bleeding brain. To put it Happy Gilmore style: Why don't you treat yourself...to a nice warm glass of 'shut the hell up!'
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your sign is known as the "Cli"-Taurus, and for a damn good reason that everyone in town knows about. Keep up the good work!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
The stars have always thought it odd that they call Gemini, 'the twins' when you don't have a twin. You don't even have any siblings. Come to think of it, you don't even have any friends. And your personality sucks. And your haircut is stupid. And you have pimples. And your teeth are dumb looking...cause they're too big. They should change Gemini from 'the twins' to 'horse-tooth jackass.'
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
The sign of the mother, you have an overwhelming tendency to look after others. Why don't you mind your own business and butt out? No one wants to hear your two cents. Keep it and buy yourself two pieces of that square gum that is all different colors and tastes like cat piss.
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