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January
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July
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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It's
absolutely imperative that you mind your Ps and Qs today, Leo. Keep
your tongue inside your mouth and your fists out of other people's
personal space. Specifically, keep your tongue out of any little kids'
mouths and your fists out of their pants. You'll be in court today
and you'll just have to wait till it's over to hit the playgrounds
again. Seriously though; you need help. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Wake
up and smell the coffee, Virgo! Then, get the fuck out of the house
and go look for a job, you filthy, loafing piece of shit. You want
to live in your parents' house forever? If you don't get the hell
out of there soon, you'll be changing their diapers and spoon-feeding
them Jell-O until they die. Think about it. That could be years. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
would prefer to spend your day moving about with wild abandon, but
someone expects you to be reasonable, responsible and cautious. Fuck
her. She's the one that's pregnant, not you. If you want to go bungee
jumping on acid this weekend, you go right ahead and do it. She can
raise that little bastard by herself. What's the problem? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Performance
is a crucial issue under the current Moon. Good manners are the
icing on the cake, but they're not enough by themselves. You've
got to quit picking your nose so much. It wouldn't be so bad if
you weren't eating it too. That's fucking disgusting, man. Just
quit it.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Avoid
investment schemes and other shortcuts as much as possible or they
could cost you your entire savings. Keep in mind that temptations
are more about the promise than the delivery. This is not the best
time to be carefree with your money. Cigarettes, money.same thing.
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Throw
your old boring routine out the window in favor of something a little
more exciting! How about if today, you shave yourself bald, and get
that swastika tattoo on your forehead that you've always wanted? Yep,
today is a good day for a change. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Today,
any kind of distraction is welcome, including those of a romantic
kind. If someone wants to pursue you, you're all for it, but you aren't
in the mood to do the chasing. There really shouldn't be a whole lot
of chasing required with two grown men in an 8-foot by 8-foot cell.
You'll be squealing like a pig and limping your way to the cafeteria
again tonight. Bitch. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
Moon in its current Sign puts you in quite the chatty mood. Once Pisces
gets started, who knows where it will end? Jesus Christ, man. Shut
the fuck up. For 15 minutes, just please, don't' say anything, you
annoying son of a bitch. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Rest
assured that all of your hard work and effort of late haven't gone
unnoticed. You've done your best, and now it's in the lap of the gods.
Try to relax while you wait for the results. Sometimes these things
take a while. If they don't pay right away, send them one of her fingers
to show you're not playing games. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Throw
caution to the wind today, Taurus. Make your next move based on the
prompting of your heart rather than your head. Logic has no place
in this mystical world you've helped to create, so when that cop pulls
you over this afternoon, just scream at the top of your lungs and
lunge for his gun. As he's macing and beating the shit out of you,
he'll see from your license that you're a Taurus and he'll understand. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You've
been focused so much on the little details lately that you may have
missed something. Today you finally catch a glimpse of the bigger
reason that has eluded you. That's right, you're an asshole. And you
thought people didn't like you simply because you were jobless, fat
and drunk. Don't you feel better now? |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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If
you have the right attitude, attending a business-related event can
be much more fun than it is work. Actually, if it's as unsupervised
as they usually are, you can probably just catch a movie and lie about
even attending it. Maybe afterwards, if you have time, you can get
a 40 and a hooker. |
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