Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
July 26, 2000


By Martin Felcher
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
It's absolutely imperative that you mind your Ps and Qs today, Leo. Keep your tongue inside your mouth and your fists out of other people's personal space. Specifically, keep your tongue out of any little kids' mouths and your fists out of their pants. You'll be in court today and you'll just have to wait till it's over to hit the playgrounds again. Seriously though; you need help.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Wake up and smell the coffee, Virgo! Then, get the fuck out of the house and go look for a job, you filthy, loafing piece of shit. You want to live in your parents' house forever? If you don't get the hell out of there soon, you'll be changing their diapers and spoon-feeding them Jell-O until they die. Think about it. That could be years.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You would prefer to spend your day moving about with wild abandon, but someone expects you to be reasonable, responsible and cautious. Fuck her. She's the one that's pregnant, not you. If you want to go bungee jumping on acid this weekend, you go right ahead and do it. She can raise that little bastard by herself. What's the problem?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Performance is a crucial issue under the current Moon. Good manners are the icing on the cake, but they're not enough by themselves. You've got to quit picking your nose so much. It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't eating it too. That's fucking disgusting, man. Just quit it.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Avoid investment schemes and other shortcuts as much as possible or they could cost you your entire savings. Keep in mind that temptations are more about the promise than the delivery. This is not the best time to be carefree with your money. Cigarettes, money.same thing.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Throw your old boring routine out the window in favor of something a little more exciting! How about if today, you shave yourself bald, and get that swastika tattoo on your forehead that you've always wanted? Yep, today is a good day for a change.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Today, any kind of distraction is welcome, including those of a romantic kind. If someone wants to pursue you, you're all for it, but you aren't in the mood to do the chasing. There really shouldn't be a whole lot of chasing required with two grown men in an 8-foot by 8-foot cell. You'll be squealing like a pig and limping your way to the cafeteria again tonight. Bitch.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
The Moon in its current Sign puts you in quite the chatty mood. Once Pisces gets started, who knows where it will end? Jesus Christ, man. Shut the fuck up. For 15 minutes, just please, don't' say anything, you annoying son of a bitch.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Rest assured that all of your hard work and effort of late haven't gone unnoticed. You've done your best, and now it's in the lap of the gods. Try to relax while you wait for the results. Sometimes these things take a while. If they don't pay right away, send them one of her fingers to show you're not playing games.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Throw caution to the wind today, Taurus. Make your next move based on the prompting of your heart rather than your head. Logic has no place in this mystical world you've helped to create, so when that cop pulls you over this afternoon, just scream at the top of your lungs and lunge for his gun. As he's macing and beating the shit out of you, he'll see from your license that you're a Taurus and he'll understand.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You've been focused so much on the little details lately that you may have missed something. Today you finally catch a glimpse of the bigger reason that has eluded you. That's right, you're an asshole. And you thought people didn't like you simply because you were jobless, fat and drunk. Don't you feel better now?
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
If you have the right attitude, attending a business-related event can be much more fun than it is work. Actually, if it's as unsupervised as they usually are, you can probably just catch a movie and lie about even attending it. Maybe afterwards, if you have time, you can get a 40 and a hooker.
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