Fugly
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
July 25, 2000


By Madamme Borkofsky
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You have several bad qualities, but let's look at the good ones. Your lungs work, and you are too scary looking to ever worry about getting fucked with.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The good news is, you are going to implode. The bad news is, you are going to catch on fire first.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You need to look back at how you have spent the last 20 years. There might be someone out there who will find it impressive that you have spent most of your life building a shrine of worship for Bruce Springsteen, but probably not.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

A Haiku: You're a big dumb slut. Why don't you stop sucking dick? Just for crack cocaine?

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
The stars know what you're thinking, but it's not you. When you run into the park in nothing but your trench coat, you are on top of your game! Your speed is up. Your facial expressions are scary. You are the shit. It's your audience. Your audience sucks! They aren't worthy of the effort you put into them.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Being outdoors at night is like therapy. The next time you go outside, look up to the sky. Your big ugly nose makes the stars laugh. Laughter is great medicine.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Aquarius is afraid of the dark. Big stupid poopy-pants; you are all grown up and still afraid of the dark. Back to your horoscope: You will be eaten by the monster in your closet tonight.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You are planning on having sex with that person you met at the bar, aren't you? Sex is naughty and evil. Semen rhymes with demon. Don't ever have sex again.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Your parents are planning to surprise you with another annoying visit. The best thing you can do is leave home. You are no match for them. How can you compete with your middle aged know it all dad and your 'knows what's best for you' mom?
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
The stars would like to give you your whore-o-scope, but you are so annoying, they can't bare to be around you.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You are a real trooper, Gemini. Well, you will be; after you sympathy fuck that fat freak who might have otherwise stayed a virgin forever.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You are very capable, able bodied, and have much talent. Since you don't have the motivation to back it up, add 50 cents and you might get a cup of piss out of life. Cheers, idiot.
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