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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
July 24, 2000


By Evil Sarah
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
At first, this could look like a setback. Your first plan of action will most likely fail. Lots of famous people have gone through this, and with a little determination they've achieved great things. Of course, this will never happen to you. You're efforts are all futile, and will only sink you deeper into dept, depression and alcoholism. Sorry.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You know that sneaking suspicion you've had for some time now? Well, it's true, and today is the day you'll find out why. Be careful around your friends. If you can, try to record everything they say to you today. You'll need it later.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You may be feeling lonely today. You may feel like you have nothing to turn to and that suicide is your only way out. Well, for once in your life, you're absolutely right. Just do it. Everyone is sick of seeing you mope around all the time anyway.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You've got to find a compromise that works for everybody. You can do it if you're flexible. You're not always going to get to be the pitcher and you're just going to have to learn how to catch sometimes and 'take it like a man'.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
No matter how much you might like to be out running around and having a good time, duty will be calling today. Wait, not duty, doodie. You'll shit your pants today in font of a lot of people. Better stay home.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Somebody you care about would like your full attention. Unfortunately, that may not be possible. You have a hard time paying attention and are easily distracted. Your mother used to drink a lot when she was pregnant with you. It's her fault. You should punch her in her stupid face.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You and your partner might have trouble communicating today. That's because he/she is dead. You'll get a call in a few hours.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Life is a never ending circle. It seems like just yesterday, you were running around the schoolyard, as the other children chanted, 'Pisces has lisces!' And today, thirty years and 30,000 little bug generations later, you still have them. It's like a magical circle of life, you and those bugs.
Aries
March 20- April 19
The Sun is in Leo and the Moon is in Taurus. You and somebody you love could have a conflict. It's about money. It's about the money he still owes you for your abortion, you baby killer.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You're the one with common sense. Amazingly, you're still fat, drunk and stupid. Is this how you want to live out the rest of your life? Anyway, as usual, someone will have to point out the obvious to you today.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You want to do something, but you don't know how. What a fucking surprise. Maybe instead of smoking yourself stupid for the last 20 years, you should have gone to college. Can you even read? You suck.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Something you and your friends want to do is simply out of the question. It costs too much, it's dangerous, and if you get caught, you'll be put away for life. Do you have any idea what would happen to someone like you in prison? Dumbass.
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