Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Sunday
July 23, 2000


By Madamme Borkofsky
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You are going to put on about 20 pounds over the course of the next few weeks. But don't worry! You will discover a way to make it all disappear exercising just one finger!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You are having a problem with your siblings right now. They don't like your lover, who is twice your age. They say that blood is thicker than water, but not the water that runs from the sacred 'crotch' fountain.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You are feeling badly about your body because you think your diet is too high in saturated fats and carbohydrates. Why not try eating a healthy snack of rocks and dirt - virtually no fat or calories!
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Your mother wrote us a letter begging us to give you some good advice. We have learned that life consists of three rules. If you follow these three rules, you'll be okay: Always brush your teeth twice a day, look both ways before crossing the street, and smell it before you stick it in.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You would be doing okay in life, but you spend too much time listening to rock and roll music and smoking the pot. You might try something fun and safe, like Sunday Bible camp. Maybe you will even meet God!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
We have gotten notice that you are going a little crazy. That's just great. There aren't enough insane Libras in the world. Now Capricorn is going down the shitter.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
How's about brushing your choppers? They look like someone used them to till the garden. Brushing your teeth regularly won't help you gain popularity, but at least people won't cover their nose when you talk to them.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Everyone is not out to get you. Your postman is supposed to be coming to your house every day. That is his job. You can open the strangely marked packages he brings unless they are ticking.
Aries
March 20- April 19
It is time you thought about your future. Have you considered joining the Army? It would probably be your best bet.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Today, you will experience a little bit of 'bull' at work. (Ha ha!) But don't let it get you by the 'horns'. (heh heh!) If you time it right, you will be able to 'trample' the problem. (hoo hey!)
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Your office politics need help. Open mouth, insert foot. That's the story of your life. A lot of people don't understand the whole 'foot fetish' thing. You should save the foot in mouth and toe sucking games for 'after work.'
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Anyone can see that you are trying to succeed in life, but the drugs and hookers are stumbling you up along the way. You can't be held responsible for their influence on you.
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