Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
July 21, 2000


By Evil Sarah
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You've been powerful over the past few weeks, and your self-confidence should have grown. Too bad that's the only thing that will grow now that you're completely impotent. This happens to almost everybody at one time or another. Almost everybody.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You're getting stronger by the minute. This will be a good weekend to party, and you've got plenty of reasons to celebrate. You're out on bail! You convinced that bitch to get an abortion and you got two fresh tattoos! You're sitting on top of the world!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
A friend can give you a good idea, but your inside connection provides the clue you've been seeking. This is called 'insider-trading' and it's illegal. Soon you'll be pimped for cigarettes, and sucking dicks for protection in a federal prison. Way to go, jackass.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
A partner is important to you, always. Libra is the sign of partnerships. But, since you're such a disgusting fat pig, finding a partner is pretty much out of the question for you. Why don't you have another piece of cake? Fat-ass.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You may feel slightly agitated. Your temper may be just a tad shorter than usual, but your energy level's pretty high. This is the day you've been waiting for. This is the perfect day for you to go into that mall and start shooting, just like you've always wanted to. Strike now, while the iron is hot.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You've worked so hard for so long, it's about time you had some fun. What did you dream about while you were stuck behind that grindstone? Did you dream about dressing up like a woman and sneaking into the girl's locker room? Probably so, you sick mother fucker. Well, go do it!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You and a partner need to get serious about what you're going to buy for your home. Sure, it's on cinderblocks, but you could at least get one of those screens that sits at ground level and covers up the wheels and the axels. Maybe try taking that El Camino out of the front lawn too, you redneck piece of shit.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You may be busy for most of the day, but you can wrap up that job. You and your favorite playmate need to get out for a romp. Whatever you do, don't let your spouse know. And for heaven's sake, don't let anyone know your playmate is 14 years old. Someone should lock you up.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
So look around. People need services, maybe even a service you could provide, and they're feeling generous. Funny how everyone told you that you were a huge slut in high School. Well, who's laughing now? That's right! You! Whore!
Aries
March 20- April 19
You're probably starting to feel better already. That's ok. A lot of times those new drugs will work wonders at first. Soon you'll be back to coughing up blood and you'll probably die in your sleep sometime this weekend. Ha!
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You may be worried that you haven't finished everything on your list. Stop fretting and crank yourself up to full speed. Get it? Crank? I think you know what I'm talking about, and you know exactly where to get some.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is going from Pisces into Aries. You and your friends should be having a pretty good time today. You'll have even more fun as the weekend progresses. After that, her body is going to start to smell and you'll probably have to bury her.
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