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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
July 20, 2000


By Evil Sarah
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
This looks like a nice day for you. Maybe you can take somebody special out to dinner. By 'special', of course we mean severely retarded. There's nothing more fun that watching someone with cerebral palsy try to eat with chopsticks. You'll be laughing for hours.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You have some important things on your mind. Maybe you could hide out for a while and think this over. Everybody has their own ideas about how you should proceed, but they're not much help. I mean, they're not the ones with open sores on their mouths and genitals, you are. Why should they be giving you advice?
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
This is a good day for a double date with your steady and best friends. Later in the evening, why not suggest a threesome? It's really a misconception that women don't appreciate their boyfriends whoring them out to all of their buddies. They love it, and your relationship will be much better afterward. Trust me.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You are busy again today. This is most likely creative work, but it doesn't pay all that well yet. "Creative work"? Why is it that all you lazy, no good, fag artist types call it "creative work". Why don't you go out and get a job that actually pays like everyone else? You loser.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Expect a bit of financial difficulty, but don't even worry about it. You have plenty of love, and that's the most important part. Of course, you're not going to be able to pay any bills or eat with all of that love, but fuck it, right? Quit kidding yourself. Try selling a kidney or something.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Something you're trying at home may not go according to plan. Did you ever stop to think that the internet might not be a very reliable source for the type of information you needed? Manufacturing methamphetamines isn't really all that good of an idea anyway. Stick to selling crack.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
This should be an interesting day, but it won't be. It will be the same, dull, boring day that every other day is. You're slowly dying in that cubical of yours. Look around you. You're kept complacent by the soothing music and soft pastel colors. You're a slave to the man. Is this really how you wanted things to turn out?
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You fucking stink. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm serious. I mean you literally stink. Did you forget to wear deodorant today or something? Jesus Christ, you smell like a dirty diaper.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You have love all around you. You could have a slight clash with an older person, but try not to take it too seriously. Old people can't fight. Just kick them in the knee, or push them down and break their hip. If they have a pacemaker, punch them very hard in the chest.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Take care of a household matter. That will get somebody off your back. Once this is done, you'll have more peace and quiet. Until the next time, that is. Is this the person you really want to be spending the rest of your life with? Wouldn't you rather experience that excitement of a new relationship again? Just leave. Who cares about the kids. They're just a couple of fucking brats anyway. They don't even look like you.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Don't loan money to a person who can't pay you back. Not like you really even have any money anyway, but if you do, hang onto it. You're going to need it for bail this weekend.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Watch what you say. The more polite you are, the more you'll profit. It sucks but that's just the way it goes. Hey, it's not our fault you're working in some massage parlor. Everyone knows those things are just fronts for whore houses anyway, you slut.
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