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July
2000
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13
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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The
sun is going to shine brightly on you in the next few weeks. But you
should know enough to stay the hell out of the sun. Your sign's name
is cancer, for Christ's sake. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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As
an aggressive talker with an attitude, you should feel slighted that
those were the traits you were given. You and your big pushy mouth.
If only you'd been born a few weeks earlier, you wouldn't be sitting
here alone with your penis in your hand. Wait - our mistake.you would
be here regardless. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Virgizzo,
listen up, biznatch. First, you've got to gizzet your thoughts to
gizzether. Then, once you've done thizzat, you can do anythizzing.
When ever you are hizzaving trouble, just trizz-y adding two zizz-zees
to every thizzing and life turn out all rizzight. Bi-yatch. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Libra
- tu eres un punta con no carne en tu chile'. Tu no cierren la ventana
y tu eres un vaca. No hablo Espanol muy bien, y no hable Espanol,
asi no comprende este. Pero, es no problema. Tiene un falo en tu cabeza.
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Scorpio
- you are a bitch and you have no meat in your chili. You never close
the window and you are a cow. I don't speak Spanish very well, and
you don't speak Spanish either, so you don't understand this. But
that's no problem. You have a penis on your head. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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En-whay
are-ay ou-yay oing-gay o-tay earn-lay ig-pay atin-lay? En-thay ou-yay
ill-way ow-knay at-whay e-thay ell-hay is-thay eans-may. Until-ay
en-thay, ou-yay ill-way e-bay onfused-cay. oser-Lay. enis-Pay. ick-day
uice-jay ace-fay. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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It
is about time you learn pig latin. Pig latin comes in handy when trying
to pick up those pigs at the dive bars you hang out at. You need to
be able to speak their language. Maybe then you will get some ass,
but probably not, because you are a loser, a penis and a dick juice
face. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You're
life probably wouldn't be so boring if you spent more time Trying
to offend people. You should try it sometime. It's fun, it's easy,
and you can usually learn something from the experience. For example,
I have learned that Indians don't like it when you fart in their faces.
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Laughter
is the cure for everything. The next time you see a person in a wheel
chair, go up and laugh in their face. They will appreciate the kind
gesture. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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If
you are having trouble focusing on the complicated issues going on
in your seemingly worthless life, it is good to begin by clearing
out your mind. A bullet will do this almost immediately, and is very
effective. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Sometimes
to relieve stress, it is good to punch a pillow. However, nothing
relieves stress better than actually punching a complete stranger
in the face and balls. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
are going through a rough time with this whole menopause thing. Think
of it as a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly. But instead
of becoming a butterfly, you will become a smelly old lady. |
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