Fugly
Did you know?... Your skeleton keeps growing until you are about 35, then you start to shrink.
2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
July 19, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
The sun is going to shine brightly on you in the next few weeks. But you should know enough to stay the hell out of the sun. Your sign's name is cancer, for Christ's sake.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
As an aggressive talker with an attitude, you should feel slighted that those were the traits you were given. You and your big pushy mouth. If only you'd been born a few weeks earlier, you wouldn't be sitting here alone with your penis in your hand. Wait - our mistake.you would be here regardless.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Virgizzo, listen up, biznatch. First, you've got to gizzet your thoughts to gizzether. Then, once you've done thizzat, you can do anythizzing. When ever you are hizzaving trouble, just trizz-y adding two zizz-zees to every thizzing and life turn out all rizzight. Bi-yatch.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Libra - tu eres un punta con no carne en tu chile'. Tu no cierren la ventana y tu eres un vaca. No hablo Espanol muy bien, y no hable Espanol, asi no comprende este. Pero, es no problema. Tiene un falo en tu cabeza.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Scorpio - you are a bitch and you have no meat in your chili. You never close the window and you are a cow. I don't speak Spanish very well, and you don't speak Spanish either, so you don't understand this. But that's no problem. You have a penis on your head.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
En-whay are-ay ou-yay oing-gay o-tay earn-lay ig-pay atin-lay? En-thay ou-yay ill-way ow-knay at-whay e-thay ell-hay is-thay eans-may. Until-ay en-thay, ou-yay ill-way e-bay onfused-cay. oser-Lay. enis-Pay. ick-day uice-jay ace-fay.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
It is about time you learn pig latin. Pig latin comes in handy when trying to pick up those pigs at the dive bars you hang out at. You need to be able to speak their language. Maybe then you will get some ass, but probably not, because you are a loser, a penis and a dick juice face.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You're life probably wouldn't be so boring if you spent more time Trying to offend people. You should try it sometime. It's fun, it's easy, and you can usually learn something from the experience. For example, I have learned that Indians don't like it when you fart in their faces.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Laughter is the cure for everything. The next time you see a person in a wheel chair, go up and laugh in their face. They will appreciate the kind gesture.
Aries
March 20- April 19
If you are having trouble focusing on the complicated issues going on in your seemingly worthless life, it is good to begin by clearing out your mind. A bullet will do this almost immediately, and is very effective.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Sometimes to relieve stress, it is good to punch a pillow. However, nothing relieves stress better than actually punching a complete stranger in the face and balls.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You are going through a rough time with this whole menopause thing. Think of it as a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly. But instead of becoming a butterfly, you will become a smelly old lady.
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