Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
July 17, 2000

By Evil Sarah
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
 A financial deal you're involved with should work out well. You're also going up a notch or two in status. Soon, you'll be driving around in that new BMW you've always wanted. Assholes like you always drive BMWs. They should assign them to you at birth. You're a backstabbing dick.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. A partner could be important right now. Could be, unless you want to keep jerking off for the rest of your life. Maybe if you lost some weight, you'd get laid you fat fuck.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
 A couple of interesting problems need to be solved. Something that's been difficult is about to become a lot easier. See what happens when you stop drinking? Even for a day. Too bad you can't control yourself and you'll be right back in your alcoholic haze by tomorrow. Loser.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You're communicating well, and you're attracting attention. An older person is impressed. Take the old guy to a hotel room or, at least do it in his car. If a cop sees you, you're going to get arrested.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You're in the mood to try new things. Have you ever tried heroin? Go ahead. All that shit you hear on the news is a bunch of crap. As long as you do a whole lot the first time, you'll be just fine.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You're learning a lot, quickly. Something you've struggled with could finally click into place. Duhh, you're ugly. Congratulations on figuring it out. Maybe this will give you a head start on figuring out how stupid you are too.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. Somebody you know has an idea that could work. Maybe it's time you invested in a partnership venture. Maybe it's time you stole their idea, killed them, and said it was your own. Hmmm. Decisions decisions.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. More needs to be done, although heaven knows you've worked long enough. It's taken you almost your entire life to perfect your disgusting eating habits. What are you going to do with them now, you pig.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. It's time for you to take action. Say or do something that will make a big difference in your relationship with a loved one. It could simply be time to finally punch that annoying bitch in the face. That'll get your point across. That cunt has had it coming for a long time now.
Aries
March 20- April 19
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. This is a good day for solving problems. You've hassled with something at home for weeks, and it could finally clear up. Of course, it could just be that it's going into remission. Herpes has a way of doing that.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. Your career could be important to you now. If you're already retired, this applies to some goal you want to achieve. Anyway, if you're already retired, you're pretty much just sitting around waiting to die anyway. Have some more Jell-O, geezer.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
 The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Aquarius. You should be pretty busy. You may want to travel, but that doesn't look like a great idea. That little ankle bracelet you're wearing will alert the police if you travel more than 100 ft from the base. That's pronounced Poh-leece. Dickwad.
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