Fugly
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2000
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February
March
April
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Sunday
July 16, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aries
March 20- April 19
You have been a very naughty spouse. If you ask your lover nicely, they might take you back, but probably not, because their horoscope reads: Toss your worthless lover's ass out on the street. That would be you, scumbag.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You may live in the ghetto, but look at it this way: so do all your friends. You have no reason to leave. You'll probably stay there forever. Look on the bright side though: your friends will be there, and some friendly stray dogs, too.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
When hiring hookers for your escort service, be aware that fat applicants typically use the terms great personality, full figured or pretty face to describe themselves. Don't be fooled by the sweet phone voice. Oh, and when they say they are 25, that means they are 35.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You are contemplating getting yet another tattoo. Tattoos are your own personal way of saying "I may be ugly, but please look at me anyway." It is good that you have found a way to express yourself. The stars also see a nose ring in your future.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You shouldn't feel badly about having one eye. So, you look semi-hideous, every cloud has its' silver lining. For instance, you have a perfect place to store your crack. What kind of mean spirited cop is ever going to check under that patch? Only an evil cop with something to prove would look there.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Your gambling habit has gotten you and your family into a ridiculous amount of debt. You should sell your parents house while they are on vacation to make some cash, then with that money, you can try to make up for all the mistakes you've made. You can buy them a bigger, better house with your winnings. It's a fail proof plan. Boy, will they be surprised and delighted!
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
The gravitational pull of the moon on your sign is making you tense and irritable. You should go down to that top of the line massage parlor you pass every day on your way to work. There, you can get an expensive, high quality, tension-easing massage from a trained Bangkok whore. Don't be scared, she's a professional.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You feel that you've disappointed your mother with your bad behavior over the years. That isn't entirely true. It would be more accurate to say that you have devastated your poor mother. You basically ruined her life. Way to go, crap for brains.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Sagittariuses are known for their way with children, their manipulative skills, and their interest in 'Swank' magazine. That's right. Sagittarius is a dirty filthy pervert.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You are getting older, but old age is nothing to fear. You should be more afraid of old people. Old people are typically armed with such weapons as fruit and romance novels, and should be considered extremely dangerous.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
There is romance in your life, but as usual, not for long. You are too overbearing, and in addition, the whole 'tucking your penis between your legs' thing only works until you take your pants off. Then they know you aren't a girl for real.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You need some insight into problems that are affecting your everyday life. The stars suggest you go to see a psychic. They will show you the 'light' by making your wallet light.
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