Fugly
Did you know?... You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider!
2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
July 14, 2000


By Evil Sarah
July 2000
S
M
T
W
T
F
S
_
_
_
_
_
_
13
18
_
_
_
_
_


Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You're trying to figure out how to do more than is humanly possible. The best way to do this is by taking performance-enhancing drugs. The best kind are the ones they give to cattle and racehorses. Take a lot; you've got a big day ahead of you.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. Venus has come into your sign, so you're getting luckier. Now is the time to sell all of your possessions, borrow as much money as you can from friends and relatives, and bet it all on at the track. Don't fucking act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You're getting LUCKIER. Asswipe. Do it now!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You're practical, hardworking and cute. You should make enough to take your sweetheart out to your favorite restaurant, too. You may want to take her to a less expensive one though, and save that money for date-rape drugs. Dinner is sort of risky, but rufies are a sure fire way to get laid.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You may be confronted by something you'd rather avoid. Might? Shit, you have a laundry list of things you'd rather avoid. You're drinking problem, your homosexuality, your propensity for violence, your sexually transmitted diseases. take your pick. You're a mess.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You might be able to get away for a little while. You have lots of things nearby that require your attention, however. Try that trick that Clint Eastwood did in that movie where they escaped from Alcatraz by using dummy heads carved from wood and hair from the prison barbershop. Your wife will never know the difference. Maybe then you can finally get some fucking peace and quiet.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You may be tired of hearing about money by now. You've been working hard and haven't seen much come in. In all honesty, that's really your own fault. $4.29? What kind of shit is that? You can get 20 or 30 dollars at least for a handjob and even more for straight sex. Christ, at least charge in even numbers you stupid whore.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. Don't spend all day resting on your past accomplishments. Sure, you were pretty successful with the clown suit and the bag of candy, but kids these days are getting smarter. You're going to have to resort to the ether this time.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Does somebody need a pat on the back for a job well done? Well they won't be getting it from you, will they? You arrogant piece of shit. The last thing you'll ever do is show someone some appreciation. You're a fucking dick!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You could be in a partying mood. You may have more invitations than you can accept. Bah Haaahh hah. Man, that's funny. More than you can accept. Nobody likes you. Who are you trying to fool?
Aries
March 20- April 19
You could experience some turbulence today. If you can find the silver lining in this cloud, you'll sure help matters. Of course, you could experience some turbulence, and then proceed to plummet to the earth like a rock, or crash into the side of a mountain. It's really about a 50-50 chance today.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You may be in the mood to take off for distant places. Getting away isn't easy, but you can make plans. As you go along, the tangle of details will clear up. The statute of limitations on sodomy is only 5 years in your state. A lot of times, sodomy charges are dropped if their not brought to trial in 2 years. However, the fact that you sodomized a nun might call for an exception in your case.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Wise shopping is the objective, and spending somebody else's money rather than your own would be smart, too. Convince them it's a good deal for them, and you've got it. How are you supposed to convince someone to let you spend his or her money? Fuck that. What you need is a gun and a mask. That's it. It's not brain surgery you're performing here.
Contact | Privacy | Copyright