Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
July 12, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aries
March 20- April 19
In order to achieve your goals, you need to have a plan of attack. Your plan of attack should not, under any circumstances, be confused with a panic attack, which will just make everyone around you think you are some kind of crazy hippie.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You love to be the butt of everyone's jokes. But did you ever think that maybe people would like to make someone else the butt for a change? Stop being so selfish all the time. You aren't so great. That is why everyone is making fun of you in the first place.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
The best way to get the things in life that you want is to take hostages.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Never mind all the crazy things that people have been saying about you and that teenage hooker. If they like to talk so much, why don't you give them something to really talk about?
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Dildos are red, vibrators are blue, buttplugs are way too big for your butthole. Why not try again in a year or so, when you are 16?
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
For life's problems, Virgo, you should try giving your inner-voice the demeanor of sports personality Marv Albert. Then make the voice say whatever Marv would say in the given situation. Make sure whatever the voice says ends with Albert's trademark, 'Yessss! Yessss!' Then, bite someone's back and ass.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Dear Libra; The stars are really pissing me off with their lack of color coordination. And Jupiter! He wears those same rings with EVERYTHING! Help, Libra. How can I tell the stars and Jupiter that they need a fashion makeover?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Your mother has been going to see an astrologist. You need to tell her that psychics and all that other bullcrap are a waste of time and money. A bunch of liars and freaks, those nutty stargazers are!
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Whenever life seems to get you down, just focus your thoughts on Puff. You know, the magic dragon. He was such a carefree 'rascal' who frolicked in the autumn mist by the sea. When was the last time you frolicked in the mist? You should get your priorities in order, pal.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Some countries believe that if you make love to a virgin it removes sexually transmitted diseases. At this point in the game, anything's worth a try.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Look, aquarius. You're an ok guy, so I'm gonna give it to you straight: I've been sleeping with your wife. Also, your wife is actually a man.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
As the stars gaze down on you, Jupiter is pointing and laughing. He's thinks he's so big! Are you gonna let him get away with that? Why not teach them all a lesson by shooting your boss? That'll show Jupiter!
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