Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
July 11, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aries
March 20- April 19
You assume too much. You are Asian but your "parents" are black. Do the genetic math.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You should get a dog. Then you can teach it how to lick peanut butter off your crotch. That sounds like a fun, hands-free, no-holds-barred way to invent a new disease.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
A fun way to disguise a receding hairline is to stick many toothpicks into your scalp. Not only will this blend in with any hair color, but it will give off the impression that you are insane and not to be associated with under any circumstances.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Someone has broken into your house - your 'astrological' house, that is! They are painting graffiti on the walls and shitting on the living room rug - figuratively, of course!
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You have been waiting for your personal 'heroes' to inspire you with song to give your life meaning. Wait no longer! Michael Jackson and Prince are planning that duet right now!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
(For all Virgo inmates) Oh, Virgo! When will you learn that you can't always be the butt fucker guy? Sometimes you have to be the butt fuckee. It's like the old expression; sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Being a Jewish Libra makes you what is known to the stars as a Li-brew. It also makes you a traitor to your religion. Make up your mind, indecisive Li-brew! You can worship the stars or the father of all creation, but you can't worship both.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You have many issues on your mind as restless, curious, manipulative, ass-eating, mind warping, face bashing, supportive, genital wart having Pluto enters your house. The first thing you need to do is get away from this nutty 'Pluto' creep. That is probably the main source of your problems.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
A slice of bread always lands buttered side up. That is something to keep in mind the next time you are eating bread. Oh, also, you can lead a horse to water but not without drinking it's urine first. Or something like that. Madame is tired.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
People are urging you to go against your plans. Why not just give prostitution a try? You could call it something colorful, like 'hooking', to mislead people.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Try to learn something new every day. Do YOU know how to make a crack pipe out of a tin can? Can YOU tell the difference between cannabis and sativa? Do YOU know how to make a bomb out of an every day alarm clock? Life is a never-ending educational process.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You are feeling lost and confused. The cause for these feelings may be an astral earthquake, which could have shifted your constellation. There are many other people experiencing those same discomforting sensations. Those people have ACTUAL REASONS to feel the way they do while you're just in the early stages of schizophrenia.
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