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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
July 10, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aries
March 20- April 19
Aries is a special little creature; full of expectations and constantly let down by strange men. Everyone is not out to rape and disappoint you, furry Aries. Look for a man with a J in his name. He will show you the way to his penis.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Taurus, you show tender loving care to everyone, even complete strangers. You have what they call, 'magical fingers' which makes you simultaneously dangerous and wealthy. When in a bind, call on your friend the Pisces who they call, 'magical anus.'
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You have always had a special talent for 'coloring.' You own over eleven hundred crayons, some broken and others worn down to waxen thimbles. Today, while engaged in your 'color by number' project, you will discover a hidden surprise. It is to be interpreted as a message from the lord.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Some say, "You catch more flies with honey," but this is a misnomer. Flies naturally swarm around you. It must be the animal lover in you. Your inner animal has a secret to tell you, but it has to be able to trust you first. Bribe it with a hot beef injection. Other Madams might have just said, "Go fuck yourself" but Madame Borkofski is more colorful than that.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Your dreams tell you a lot about yourself. You should try to not put faith into your dreams, because they are made of lies and fears. They are made of expectations and unfulfilled desires. They are inspired by the devil's penis and his dirty plans for your soul.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
When you were younger, you were a much kinder person. You had a sweet face and positive intentions. You can still change. Just decide what you want to get out of life and find a way to swindle it.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
When you are outside, you can feel the sun's energy filling your heart with joy. Don't seek the sun's evil rays of death. The sun is not your friend. It shines in your eyes with the intention of burning out your retinas, and it pegs your skin with invisible sun bullets with the desire to fry you to bits. It won't stop, ever. No matter where you go, the sun is right behind you.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You need to find other ways to deal with your problems. The way your animal alter ego would handle the situation should not necessarily be your way. For example, if you feel intimidated, you don't have to shoot fire out of your butt. When you are hungry, you don't have to whack something smaller and sting their eyeballs for three days. Scorpio, Scorpio! When will you quit living la vida loca?
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Hi. How are you doing? Oh, wait. I know. You are feeling content. Well, that is just great news. Your life is going well. You have no idea what it is like to have to be in my shoes, with a life that sucks! Bitch!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You are under a lot of stress. Have you ever tried, 'spanking the monkey?' It can be very beneficial and extremely calming. If you don't have a monkey, try spanking someone else's. If no one you know has a monkey, try jerking off.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You feel miffed due to the way a co-worker is treating you. However, you are a professional. There is no time for silly water cooler mind games. You won't get any satisfaction without violence.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Exploring your sexual side should answer some questions you have about yourself. But in the mean time the stars will try to help; Yes, you are a dirty whore.
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