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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Sunday
July 9, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
If the stars represent eternal light through out the universe, and the planets represent heavenly bodies of hope, then where does placing a paper towel holder in your ass and scaring a gerbil into your bunghole with a lighter fit into the grand scheme of things? Quit it.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You should try to wear bright colors, like vibrant greens and day glow pinks. You just wear the same dark suit, every day, day in and day out. It may seem 'appropriate' attire, being an undertaker and all, but it just makes you look so boring and corporate, like you have no sense of humor!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You seem to be having troubles at home. Maybe you should run away. No one likes you around. Don't worry about 13 being too young to be on your own. Between prostitution and selling drugs, you'll find a way to make ends meet.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Mercury is in the ghetto, hiding behind a burned car. Remember those days, before the gang initiation? When you could run and hide? Being legless isn't as bad as it seems. It isn't as bad, as say...being legless and armless.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You have too much free time on your hands. Perhaps now is a good time to consider starting a new hobby. Why not try, 'chillin' with some bitchez' or collecting stamps? Either would be fun and educational.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You are an air sign with a multitude of air abilities. You can breathe air, you can exhale air. You are an airhead. You even call it fancy names sometimes, like 'oxygen'. It is a little known secret that air sign creatures are lighter than air, giving them the ability to 'fly'. You should try it sometime.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
What would you do if one hand was made of jelly and the other was made of peanut butter? Would you clap your hands? Would you eat your hands if you got hungry? Hey - it's something to think about, pal. Anything can happen in life.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
When I was just a Madame in training, I used to 'make up' horoscopes, sometimes, because I didn't know all the answers. Now that I am an old wise Madame who knows all the answers, I still make up the horoscopes. Who has time to talk to the stars every day? Oh, yeah, your horoscope: Something involving beef will happen to you today.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Why are you feeling low right now? Things couldn't be better. You are about to have a baby, you are about to get married, and you are about to be on TV. Incest is frowned upon in most parts of the country, but you're in West Virginia. Things are just as they should be.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You happen to be a little bit taller than most people, and to be quite honest, that makes you look scary. You can remedy this problem by cutting off your legs at the knee. It might seem senseless now, but you will be a local celebrity when the townspeople begin to fondly refer to you as 'old stumpy'.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
There is no need to feel bad about hair loss, though almost no one experiences male pattern balding 'down there'. In some rare instances, due to various sexually transmitted diseases, it can happen. You can shave it off, and no one will ever know. They will just think you are kinky. Honestly, no one but you will probably see that area of your body anyway for the next few years anyway; so what does it really matter?
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You are a creative person whose traits mimic those of the likes of Socrates, Michelangelo, Freddy Mercury, Liberachi, Versacci. See where this is going?
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