Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Saturday
July 8, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You need to have some courage on a day like today. That's all we're going to tell you. A LOT of courage.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
After the wave of recent high school shootings, you'd think you'd be smart enough to bring your gun to school with you? You can get around the radar detectors by making your gun out of candy. It won't be as effective, but hey, a candy gun is better than no gun at all.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
A financial breakthrough will leave you with an excess of funds. Use all the money as quickly as you can, because coincidentally, a nearby prison break out will leave you mugged, raped and killed. Not necessarily in that order.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Stop trying to be something your not. Everyone can see you are not REALLY Michael Jackson. For starters, Michael Jackson is white. Second, Billy Jean is NOT his lover. She was just some girl who THOUGHT that he was the one. And the kid is NOT his son. Jackass.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You have a great color and decorating sense. For a homeless person, that is. So why live in a big plain box? Hang up some decorative napkins or make a pretty design with miscellaneous bottle caps. Take advantage of the neutral beige and greens of the sidewalks and dumpsters. Virtually anything goes with your surroundings.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
It's hard to know who to turn to in times of need. Today, a big crazy cabbie will show you the way. Just be careful; he's got a 12-inch penis, covered with sores, and he knows how to use it.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Do something nice for yourself. Brew a cup of tea, and stick your balls in it. Considering what a dick you are, this would actually be the nicest thing you deserve to happen to you. Asshole.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Selling vacuum cleaners is a tough racket. Door after door, slamming in your face. You'd be better off trying your hand in the Jehova's Witness business. At least then, they'd be slamming the door in the face of God. And he has a history of making assholes pay in the most painful of ways.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You feel the need to get in shape. What good would it do, really? You know you won't stick to it. It'd be one thing if you needed to drop 5 or 10 pounds and tighten up the abs, but you need a complete overhaul. This is no weekend project. Just stick to what your good at and feed your fat face.
Aries
March 20- April 19
It seems like everyone in town, except you, has been abducted. You're beginning to think that you aren't worthy of being anally probed, but buck up, little camper! You ARE worthy of being anally probed and you WILL get probed, someday. Maybe not by aliens, but that's another horoscope.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You embarrassed yourself again in front of friends and family with the old 'beer bottle in the ass' trick. You should know that once the glass breaks, it's not funny anymore. Stick to drinking from the bottle and not inserting it in your rectum. You're a pro at that.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You love to exert your energy in creative ways. The stars have heard that the new art rage is to paint with your own feces. Knowing you, though, artistic Gemini, you are already ahead of the game!
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