Fugly
Did you know?... The cicada, a fly found in Africa, spends 17 years of its life sleeping; and only two weeks is awake during which mates and then dies.
2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
July 7, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You have a drive to be the best. You will never be the best, but your heart is in the right place. Keep practicing!
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Something is putting a smile on your face and people are noticing. Too bad that what's putting it there is also leaving human feces stuck all over your teeth as well. You are one sick motherfucker.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You always wanted to be number one, but instead you are number two. Not number two as in second place. Number two as in a big piece of shit.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You have a strong , but unfortunately, incorrect sense of who your friends are. For example, would a friend have sex with your mother? Well. Pretty much all of your friends have.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You are a dimwitted individual; you are bad tempered and full of flatulence. Don't try to better yourself in any way, everyone would see through the efforts of someone as stupid, grumpy and smelly as you are. The stars give you two fiery thumbs down.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You have recently done something very wrong to someone. Though you feel bad, and regret having done it, the stars have issued a beheading. It's too late to stop it. The cosmic wheels have already been set in motion.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
The 3rd house is a mess today. It is not advisable to go out in public. Take the day off and stay home. Make sure you have no pants on.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
As a professional cosmetician and advisor, it is my duty to tell you that you were spotted leaving a porno shop yesterday, reverend. You are so done. The stars aren't big fans of the "Lord" or anything, but Jesus Christ. You are a man of God!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Summer is peaking. You make your best money during the summer months, being the town whore and all. In winter, you get lazy. You say, "It's too cold to turn tricks in the snow." You should have known that your two children would follow in your footsteps. You set a great example. Good work, jackass.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You will meet someone very scary today. He or she will try to tell you things that you know are not true, like that you are a beautiful and intelligent. No one would believe that about you.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
There is no reason for you to feel insecure today. You are always comparing yourself to others, but you should know by now that there is nothing wrong with you. You just happen to have a very special body type: the type of body that looks better with clothes on.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Don't rely too much on your instincts. It is good to keep in contact with your animal nature. It's just that your inner animal is a wildebeest. Seeing you rip a tree out of the ground with your bare hands can be little intimidating to friends.
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