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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
July 5, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
The 12th house is your favorite house. There are always tons of Johns hanging around there, and all the heroin you can eat, smell, and shoot. In addition, the house's pimp is not so likely to beat you with a coat-hanger when you're bad.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
The sun is in the 3rd house. This might be good for you, except that the third house is your house, and the 'sun' is an out of control grease fire on the stove. You should probably run for your life.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Your sign is supposed to be generous and loving. So why do you force your spouses head down in public places like that? The stars would like you to know that love is not begging your lover to let you 'put it in their butt.'
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Venus is in retrograde. You, on the other hand, have never been anywhere. You don't even like to go to the toilet, if you can fit your leavin's in one of the empty potato chip bags that surround you. Get your fat ass up off the couch and take a walk around the block. Then clean up the dog crap that's all over your floor. That's unsanitary. You're unsanitary.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You are feeling pretty bummed out because, as you look back on your life, you realize all the things you ever tried to do just failed horribly and made you look like an incredible idiot. It will make you feel better if you blame all your shortcomings on someone like your father. He was never there. He was off being gay somewhere.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your father left when you were young, just like Scorpio and Libra's dads. The difference between them and you is that it WAS your fault that YOUR dad left. You were a bad, bad child.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Career day is coming up. You know, we said a while ago that career day would be the 5th. That gives you just enough time to get yourself together. Of course, no one is going to hire you. You're a disgusting mess with a low IQ and a host of mental, physical and emotional issues that make you basically worthless. Don't feel bad. Sagittarius is worthless, too.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You are a water sign. This means you are supposed to love water sports, playing in water, swimming, water ballet, etc. etc. etc.. Don't be afraid of the shower. The water will wash all the dirt and grime off of your smelly body. The soap will make fun suds for you to enjoy. Give it a try. You might even start a new daily routine.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Being a lifeguard at the town pool is the best you can ever hope to accomplish. You can only work there for so long; while you are young and have all your teeth. Once you hit 30, you will have to go, or else all the kids will be scared of you and the parents will assume you are some kind of pervert.
Aries
March 20- April 19
There will be a lunie eclipse on the 11th when you and your mother get together for lunch. With two sets of crazy unmanaged hair and lipstick placed everywhere but on the lips, the two of you will be a blinding spectacle for all to see.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Today will be a day of reconcile with someone you love. Well, you will try to reconcile but she will say, "No fucking way, jackass." Maybe you should change your 'reconcile' plans to keep from having to deal with that. The stars would say you deserve it, because you do, you creep, but we are supposed to be uplifting and encouraging. Hey, we try.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
The moon is in Iran. So don't plan on looking to it for advice unless, you too are in Iran. If you are in Iran, run and hide - especially if you are an American. And look to the moon for advice.
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