Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
July 4, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
A special someone in your life is going to propose to you today; propose that you get the hell out of their life. In all honesty, can you blame them? You have a foot fetish, for Christ sake. That is so 1992.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You have been fancying yourself as Madonna for quite some time now. This is a step up from when you were pretending that you were Tiffany. Your doctor says you are making slow progress.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You are 23 and you are still a Virgo. You might consider meeting someone special with whom to offer your budding flower. Oh - the stars made a mistake. We meant to say "virgin", but that's not the mistake. The real mistake is that we used the term budding flower to describe the contagious S.T.D party you call your genitals.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Libra, the third cousin of the Chinese zodiac symbol the zebra, has many similarities to that striped distant relative. It has many more differences however. The zebra is kind, warm and forgiving. You are warm, but that is because your herpes sores are burning. Otherwise, you are a frigid, unforgiving, evil person. The zebra constellation is on its way over to trample your stupid constellation as we speak.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
Someone will invite you to an event where there will be dancing. Since you know you can't dance, you should make it seem like you aren't going because you hate that person. No matter who it is, just pretend that you wouldn't be seen dead with them. That might hurt their feelings, but at least you won't be embarrassed.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You are constantly doing as you are told. You are respectful, giving and you obey your elders. You will be told to eat shit at some point today. The stars think you know what to do.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You have been in this crazy pyramid racquet for quite some time now. The stars would suggest that you get out, but you really don't have any other options. Even the gas station wouldn't hire you for fear that you would accidentally blow the place to bits. But don't feel bad. You may be an idiot, but you aren't just any old idiot, you are an A1 certified idiot. Keep up the good work.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
The stars heard that you believe in your dreams. Give the stars one good reason why they shouldn't come down to earth and fart in your mouth right now? You probably also believe that magical unicorns sleep under your bed. You make the zodiac sick.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Have you tried meditating your problems away? It doesn't work, does it? Meditation is only for celebrities and fat people. Try taking some painkillers or antidepressants, like all us 'regulars' people.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Pluto is stuck in Uranus' gravitational pull, if you can believe that. That spells trouble for your sign's ass. The stars aren't sure, but it either means that you are going to get anally probed by aliens or butt raped by a gang of gay bikers.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
An Aquarius that you know is always saying shit behind your back to one particularly chubby and inconsiderate Pisces. Talk to a Leo for guidance, and when you are done, go buy an ounce of weed from the neighborhood Gemini to cool your mind. Smoke it with a Cancer pal. If you have no Cancer friends, just smoke it with someone who has cancer.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Whoever told you that bestiality was 'in' is a damn liar. Now, go apologize to your dog, send your friends home and find a different 'hobby'. Preferably find one that doesn't involve animals of any kind.
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