Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
July 3, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
An aggressive individual that you know is very unhappy today. Unfortunately, you had to step on a few toes to find this out and the response was a punch in your stupid face. Why don't you just leave people alone? For future reference, when a person's toes are broken, you don't step on them. You're a fucking idiot.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You may have been a little pensive and moody. You should start to feel better. It's time for a change of scenery. You'll be transferred to a minimum security wing soon. It's about fucking time. Six months in the hole seems like an awful long time for jamming a stick into someone's eye in the yard, doesn't it?
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Someone will take you in today. They've underestimated your lack of personal hygiene, and are willing to give you a hot bath and a warm bed. Of course, you'll have to perform fellatio, but it's better than sleeping in a dumpster and burning dog shit to keep warm.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Do you know what the weather will be like today? I was just wondering, because I have a date with your girlfriend at the beach. She told me not to tell you, but you are going to find out one way or another. That bitch can't keep a secret, and she sure as hell can't keep a monogamous relationship. Just ask Joe and Maggie and Sam and Tim and Roger and. They'll tell you. The list goes on and on.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You should try to make time to visit special friends today. They like it when you bring them corn and gum. Don't be ashamed of them; they were born like that. It doesn't matter that they're retarded.err, umm, differently-abled. They're still your pals, and they love you.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You should try to appeal to your intellectual side today. The stars know you hate thinking, but you can sort of half learn. For instance: take a big word, then distort the meaning. Roughshod: The stars are guessing that word means 'crazily or haphazardly.' Something like that. Now. Let's use it in a sentence: He thrust his pulsing roughshod into her flowery love muffin. There. Wasn't that fun? Now you try.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Someone told you once that being straightforward is the best way to go. Whoever said that should be anally raped with a splintered piece of wood. Never do that. Especially if your genitalia is in a vulnerable position. It is best to lie whenever possible. Why waste time digging ditches when you could be hanging with some bitches?
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Moving into your home will take up most of the rest of the week. This is for several reasons. A) You have too much shit. Lots of it is garbage salvaged from yard-sales and the trash. B) You have a very fat ass. That makes it hard for you to move around and makes you slower than most average humans who are not obsessed with eating. C) The moving men quit when they saw all your shit packed into plastic bags. Good god. Do something with yourself. You're even repulsive to moving men.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
This is not a good time to spend money on anything unless it is absolutely necessary. This rules out gas, electricity, food, heat, and the phone bill. Your necessity list is short, sweet and addictive, and begins with a big fat H. That's right. Homosexual love. Go get some, daddy.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Today could be upsetting to you. Around dinnertime, a package will be hand delivered to you. Have you ever seen the movie 'Seven'? This kind of stuff only happens to weirdos like you.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your performance around the office is finally getting you noticed. You take long lunches, you smoke in the no-smoking lounge, and you're racked up hundreds of dollars in charges to those 900 numbers. You are the worst employee ever. Your boss wanted me to tell you you're fired. Only someone like you could get fired from shit job like this.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
A long lost friend wants you back. Who the hell do they think they are? What is this, 'forgive and forget'? Fuck no. If they want you back they're going to have to do some serious groveling. Make them eat their own feces to prove their love for you.
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