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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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An
aggressive individual that you know is very unhappy today. Unfortunately,
you had to step on a few toes to find this out and the response was
a punch in your stupid face. Why don't you just leave people alone?
For future reference, when a person's toes are broken, you don't step
on them. You're a fucking idiot. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may have been a little pensive and moody. You should start to feel
better. It's time for a change of scenery. You'll be transferred to
a minimum security wing soon. It's about fucking time. Six months
in the hole seems like an awful long time for jamming a stick into
someone's eye in the yard, doesn't it? |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Someone
will take you in today. They've underestimated your lack of personal
hygiene, and are willing to give you a hot bath and a warm bed. Of
course, you'll have to perform fellatio, but it's better than sleeping
in a dumpster and burning dog shit to keep warm. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Do
you know what the weather will be like today? I was just wondering,
because I have a date with your girlfriend at the beach. She told
me not to tell you, but you are going to find out one way or another.
That bitch can't keep a secret, and she sure as hell can't keep a
monogamous relationship. Just ask Joe and Maggie and Sam and Tim and
Roger and. They'll tell you. The list goes on and on. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
should try to make time to visit special friends today. They like
it when you bring them corn and gum. Don't be ashamed of them; they
were born like that. It doesn't matter that they're retarded.err,
umm, differently-abled. They're still your pals, and they love you.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
should try to appeal to your intellectual side today. The stars know
you hate thinking, but you can sort of half learn. For instance: take
a big word, then distort the meaning. Roughshod: The stars are guessing
that word means 'crazily or haphazardly.' Something like that. Now.
Let's use it in a sentence: He thrust his pulsing roughshod into her
flowery love muffin. There. Wasn't that fun? Now you try. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Someone
told you once that being straightforward is the best way to go. Whoever
said that should be anally raped with a splintered piece of wood.
Never do that. Especially if your genitalia is in a vulnerable position.
It is best to lie whenever possible. Why waste time digging ditches
when you could be hanging with some bitches? |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Moving
into your home will take up most of the rest of the week. This is
for several reasons. A) You have too much shit. Lots of it is garbage
salvaged from yard-sales and the trash. B) You have a very fat ass.
That makes it hard for you to move around and makes you slower than
most average humans who are not obsessed with eating. C) The moving
men quit when they saw all your shit packed into plastic bags. Good
god. Do something with yourself. You're even repulsive to moving men. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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This
is not a good time to spend money on anything unless it is absolutely
necessary. This rules out gas, electricity, food, heat, and the phone
bill. Your necessity list is short, sweet and addictive, and begins
with a big fat H. That's right. Homosexual love. Go get some, daddy.
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Today
could be upsetting to you. Around dinnertime, a package will be hand
delivered to you. Have you ever seen the movie 'Seven'? This kind
of stuff only happens to weirdos like you. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Your
performance around the office is finally getting you noticed. You
take long lunches, you smoke in the no-smoking lounge, and you're
racked up hundreds of dollars in charges to those 900 numbers. You
are the worst employee ever. Your boss wanted me to tell you you're
fired. Only someone like you could get fired from shit job like this.
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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A
long lost friend wants you back. Who the hell do they think they are?
What is this, 'forgive and forget'? Fuck no. If they want you back
they're going to have to do some serious groveling. Make them eat
their own feces to prove their love for you. |
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