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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Sunday
July 2, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
The stars are chillin' with Jupiter poolside, bs-in' with the hotties. You are at home with something in your butt. A Lego...or pretzel.... You are never going to get a date at this rate. But something tells me you are perfectly content right where you are, doing just what you are doing - Lego in butt and all.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You have no sense of shame. That can be good in some instances, but not when nothing can stop you from running down the road naked, stopping only to piss on red cars. Why red? Who knows? You didn't make sense to your family growing up and you make no sense to anyone now.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Support your local softball team. Become a coach. That way, you can support your NAMBLA membership dues as well. How very disturbing you are.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Well, you never thought that life would take you here. School library; no one is here but you. The kids have all gone home and you are all by yourself. You are in a privileged position here. Your own key and everything. Just make sure to get to the library toilets. There is one stall that is teeming with hepatitis A and needs to be cleaned, badly.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
So you got a few. well, all of your teeth knocked out. You would be surprised at the things you can eat without teeth. Oh, the list goes on forever. Jelly, beer, soda. And men just LOVE the way a toothless mouth feels!
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You are feeling out of breath today. You like to think it is because you are 'stressed out' but it is actually because your lungs are bleeding. You have achieved every conceivable smoker's illness -Emphysema, rotting teeth, halitosis, gingivitis, bleeding lungs. Next stop - one of those crazy neck boxes.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
It's Sunday. You've got a few extra bucks in your pocket. Why not do something fun and different. Something you can even do with the kids. That's right; get a tattoo. Get it on a place where no one else really has one, like across the bridge of your nose or IN your ear. Be original. You might get laid if you get a tattoo. It'd be your best feature.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Yesterday was a terrible day for you. You got into a fight, you stepped in shit, your car got stolen, you found out your mom was a closet heroin addict and you found out you were adopted. There are days, and there are days! But don't worry. Today will be a good day. Well, 'good' in the sense that, it won't be quite as bad as yesterday.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
1985 - what a great year for you. You were just getting ready to drop out of high school. A baby on the way. Feathered hair; a roach clip barrette. Ah.glory days. Today - prison isn't so bad...now that you learned how to make toilet beer.
Aries
March 20- April 19
The stars hate to be the ones to tell you this but horoscopes aren't real. They are just make-believe. Is that a tear we see? Don't cry. You can pretend that they are real. Here - you are going to lose your finger in a fan today. Now, go and make that happen.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
A haiku:
You are gonna move
Your house will have many rooms
You'll be someone's bitch
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
There is no need to be alarmed about the changes that are going on, 'down there.' Pubic hair is a natural occurrence. The part that you should be alarmed about is the fact that you are just now starting to get some, at age 24. Some people bloom late, but you aren't a late bloomer - you are just not right.
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