Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Saturday
July 1, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You're powerful, assertive, gentle and passionate. The only thing you have to watch out for is your language. Too bad you have Terrets Syndrome. People will eventually get used to your outbursts. Soon, you screaming "cunt" in the middle of church will be no big deal, but until then. try to control your self a little.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
If you have fears, they're probably bugging you right now. Is there anything you need to clean up? Those enormous pools of blood in the living room might be a good place to start. You had to use the chainsaw didn't you? You're a fucking idiot.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You and your friends have no trouble keeping busy. You're coming up with all sorts of new projects. Let's see, beating old women and stealing their social security checks... Lighting bums on fire... Date rape. You guys are more fun than a barrell of monkeys!
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
A strong authority figure is in your life now, and this person may be difficult to figure out. You've been used to pitching for some time now, so catching is going to take some getting used to. Your sphincter is in for some serious punishment, Mary. Better get used to it.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
You're probably already on the road. You've had itchy feet for the past few days. That's just athelete's foot. Being a prostitute requires a lot of walking. Try getting yourself some more comfortable shoes. Do you really think you're going to turn that many more tricks wearing those ridiculous high heels. You're nothing but a cum guzzling road whore.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Don't start a new project now. If you're working any sort of deal, carry the paperwork around yourself and make sure it doesn't get lost. Trust noone. Force everyone you know to give you the 'secret password' before you'll speak to them on the phone. Your spouse is plotting against you. Better get rid of him/her.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Are you getting married today? Engaged? Hahahaha! We've got photos of him/her with two dicks in his/her mouth. Haaaaahhhaa!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Pay attention to details. Odds are good that mistakes will be made, and you don't want to be the one who makes them. i fyou fuck this up you could spend the rest of your life in prison.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
This looks like a great day to fall in love. You're probably feeling giggly, maybe even goofy. You really ought to quit drinking so much. You're going to end up in bed with another fat slob and this time he/she will give you herpes.
Aries
March 20- April 19
The Sun and Moon are both in Cancer. Relax. You're under quite a lot of pressure now. Go along with what the majority wants. A circle jerk is no place to make enemies. You're got to be able to trust these guys with your life.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You're smart, especially if you're reviewing information you should already know. Think about that for a second. Why would you think you're smart because you can re-learn something quickly? You're actually very stupid. You're arrogant too, which makes you even more of a pompous asshole.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You might make a big mistake regarding money, so be careful. Work a deal that will benefit you and, more importantly, your family. It's a tough decision but you have to choose. I would recommend selling the girl. The boy can do more work around the house and, with the potential for prostitution, you'll probably be able to get a higher price for a girl. Goodbye macaroni and cheese! Looks like you'll be eating steak next week!
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