Fugly
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2006
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
April 21, 2006


By Martin Felcher
April 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

If you're worried enough about losing money, you may try to make some, instead. You could turn a tidy profit today, through a combination of skill and luck. Oh yeah. And armed robbery. Skill, luck and armed robbery. That's right. We almost forgot. That last one is probably the most important considering your bad luck and complete lack of skills.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your first suggestion may not work, and your second idea could flop, too. Your third idea will make everyone laugh at you and your forth idea is just downright insulting. If you tell anyone that forth idea, you'll get your ass kicked. Just keep your stupid ideas to your self. Dummy
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
This is a hectic day at work. Everybody's trying out new ideas, most of which don't work. Just be patient and keep sending out your resume' and eventually you can quit that dead end job. Wouldn't it be nice to not have to work with all of these imbeciles anymore? Tell them that today, and maybe they'll leave you alone.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
A fool and his or her money are soon parted. I don't know how much clearer we can make this for you. You're surrounded by fools and you have no money. Birds of a feather flock together. Does that help any? God, you're dumb.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Everybody may demand a lot from you, but you're not alone. A far-away friend is feeding you helpful information. By helpful information, we mean a series of well-constructed lies. Your far away friend is a lot closer than you think, and he or she is having an affair with your partner. Damn, you're gullible.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Expect confusion and change relating to money. Expect loneliness and despair relating to relationships. Expect futility and ineptitude relating to your work. Expect haste and rapidity relating to your death. Expect nothing relating to respect and as usual, you'll get exactly what you expect.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your plans with friends could go awry. If you're stubborn enough to keep going, you may still achieve your goals. If you're stupid enough to believe that those jerks are really your friends, you deserve whatever happens to you.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You're generally lucky, but don't push your luck now. Nobody can eat 50 eggs. That was a movie, man. Chances are you'll suffer serious injury if you try it for real. Quit acting like such an idiot.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Even though things go wrong for others, you'll land buttered side up. You'll land in a holding tank with a bunch of other drunks and you'll be naked and covered with butter, but at least you won't have lint and dirt stuck all over you. I guess that's a good thing, isn't it?
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You may want something special for your home, but be careful. Do a lot of shopping before you buy it and even more thinking. True, a baby with Down syndrome is special, but those things are a pain in the ass to take care of and they cry all the time. Why not get a dog instead? At least you can keep it outside if it gets on your nerves.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Friends might steer you in the right direction, and you need all the help you can get. Yeah, right. The only people in your life even remotely close to friends are going to do everything possible to sabotage you. Better go it alone.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Work interferes with travel today and might even keep you from going to lunch with a dear friend. Call in sick or, better yet, see what you can do to never have to work again. Work has been interfering with your plans for long enough. We have four words for you. Injured on the job.
 
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