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2006
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
April 14, 2006


By Evil Sarah
April 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
A scheme that's hanging around in the back of your mind is starting to take shape. Don't rush it, let it develop naturally…err. Wait a minute. That's not a scheme, that's a tumor. You better get that checked out.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You're getting stronger, and your team is getting more creative. Get together with those who share your goals, to see what you can come up with. It ought to be awesome. It ought to be sickening and several small animals ought to be involved. You guys are a bunch of freaks.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
If you've been thinking about asking for a promotion, do it. You might take an older person by surprise, but that's OK. Your boss may have a few surprises for you, too. One of them involves a shotgun so ask nicely, and do it over the phone.
Aries
March 20- April 19
A co-worker has had his/her eye on you for some time now. His/her obsession with you has gotten out of hand and if you don't put a stop to it, they'll be finding pieces of you in different dumpsters all over town. Buy some pepper spray tonight.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Are you trying to change things at home? Are you moving? It's a great time to recycle. Get rid of all the stuff you don't want anymore, starting with that deadbeat roommate of yours.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You're about to enter a phase when you can advance in your career, but there will be a test. Just how many golf balls do you think you can fit in your mouth at one time? Your luck improves if you're prepared.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Tomorrow morning you will wake up to find homeless people milling around your living room. Later, you'll find more in the kitchen, drinking out of the containers and eating pickles out of the jars with their dirty fingers. You're in for a long weekend.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You may have trouble sleeping. Drink a few quarts of bleach before you go to bed. You'll sleep well and your breath will smell great.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Finish the worst of a tough project. Somebody you think is attractive is also ready to relax. Why not go somewhere interesting this weekend? If nobody asks, you do the asking. With enough liquor and a handgun pointed at them, they might even say, 'yes'.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
All the work you've done around your home is starting to pay off. This weekend you'll be ready for rest, relaxation, and romance. By that, of course we mean, Amyl-Nitrate, Tequila and a copy of Hustler Magazine. If you want sex with an actual human being, you're going to have to work on more than that crappy house of yours, fatty.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

By now you should know what you want, especially in household furnishings. It's a good weekend for a makeover at your place. Start tonight by dousing the place with kerosene and letting it burn. You live in a pretty shitty neighborhood anyway.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
The facts should be clear by now, so let people know what you really think. Violently, of course.
 
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