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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
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April
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M |
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W |
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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A
scheme that's hanging around in the back of your mind is starting
to take shape. Don't rush it, let it develop naturally…err. Wait
a minute. That's not a scheme, that's a tumor. You better get that
checked out. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You're
getting stronger, and your team is getting more creative. Get together
with those who share your goals, to see what you can come up with.
It ought to be awesome. It ought to be sickening and several small
animals ought to be involved. You guys are a bunch of freaks. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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If
you've been thinking about asking for a promotion, do it. You might
take an older person by surprise, but that's OK. Your boss may have
a few surprises for you, too. One of them involves a shotgun so ask nicely, and do it over the phone. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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A
co-worker has had his/her eye on you for some time now. His/her obsession
with you has gotten out of hand and if you don't put a stop to it,
they'll be finding pieces of you in different dumpsters all over town. Buy
some pepper spray tonight. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Are
you trying to change things at home? Are you moving? It's a great
time to recycle. Get rid of all the stuff you don't want anymore,
starting with that deadbeat roommate of yours. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
You're
about to enter a phase when you can advance in your career, but there
will be a test. Just how many golf balls do you think you can fit
in your mouth at one time? Your luck improves if you're prepared. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Tomorrow
morning you will wake up to find homeless people milling around your
living room. Later, you'll find more in the kitchen, drinking out
of the containers and eating pickles out of the jars with their dirty
fingers. You're in for a long weekend. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may have trouble sleeping. Drink a few quarts of bleach before you
go to bed. You'll sleep well and your breath will smell great. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
Finish
the worst of a tough project. Somebody you think is attractive is
also ready to relax. Why not go somewhere interesting this weekend?
If nobody asks, you do the asking. With enough liquor and a handgun
pointed at them, they might even say, 'yes'. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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All
the work you've done around your home is starting to pay off. This
weekend you'll be ready for rest, relaxation, and romance. By that,
of course we mean, Amyl-Nitrate, Tequila and a copy of Hustler Magazine.
If you want sex with an actual human being, you're going to have to
work on more than that crappy house of yours, fatty. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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By now you should
know what you want, especially in household furnishings. It's a
good weekend for a makeover at your place. Start tonight by dousing
the place with kerosene and letting it burn. You live in a pretty
shitty neighborhood anyway.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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The
facts should be clear by now, so let people know what you really think.
Violently, of course. |
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