Fugly
Did you know?... American car horns beep in the tone of F.
2006
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
March 10, 2006


By Evil Sarah

March 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Your dreams can come true. Sometimes it takes planning and hard work. Sometimes it takes money and power. Sometimes it takes brains and beauty. You don't' have any of these things so just forget about it and get back to your cubicle before you get laid off like the rest of them, fatass.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You're a godless savage. You may as well live in a cave and scavenge for food. You're no better than any other filthy animal. You'd probably eat your young, if you could find anyone that was dumb enough to breed with you that is.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Using the same brand of deodorant for more than a few months can cause your body to build up a natural resistance to its effectiveness, you smelly pig. Go take a shower or at least go out in the parking lot and roll around in the dirt to lessen your stench. You're killing all the plants around here.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23

You've got big plans this weekend and it looks like this could be the night you've been waiting for! Too bad you also have Herpes. Maybe by next weekend it will be in remission.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Someone else has all sorts of ideas about how you should spend your time. It may be a bit uncomfortable to squeeze into the old routine. You've grown. It's time to put your foot down, or at least get a bigger routine, you fat slob.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
If there's one good thing that people say about you, it's that you're a proud and majestic creature. No, wait. That's what they say about Zebras. They say that Libras love cheap, penny-pinching jerks. I guess that's good too, right?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Don't you love those Coke commercials? "There's nothing like the real thing, baby. There's nothing like the reeeall thing.." Keep humming that tune to yourself while you sit home alone tonight, again. Maybe sign it out loud as you watch Who's the Boss re-runs. Look up Loser in the dictionary, and there you are.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
If you don't already have a good partner, get one. It should be obvious which person would be best for you. You're obviously going to have to pay for him or her, and since you have no cash, it's probably going to be the one with the least amount of teeth. Ahh, spring. Love is in the air!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You should have your routine pretty well memorized by now. That makes it pretty easy, but don't doze off. Something you hadn't expected could throw a wrench into the machinery. Later today, you'll lose an eye.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You walk down stairs. Alone or in pairs and make a slinkety sound. A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing, everyone knows it's too bad you've got bad breath. Seriously. Buy some mints.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
There's certainly a lot going on today. You might be tempted to jump right into the middle of the confusion. You'll be more helpful if you stand off to one side and make practical comments like, "why don't we throw some water on her?" Or, "stop drop and roll!! STOP DROP AND ROLL!!" That will make you look much wiser, too
Aries
March 20- April 19
Hey, why don't you stop stuffing your fat face for 10 minutes and go out and buy yourself a full-length mirror so you can witness how disgusting you look first hand? You're a pig. The hotter it gets, the fatter you look.
 
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