Fugly
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2006
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
April 4, 2006


By Martin Felcher

April 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Eventually you’ll get it but you just might not be able to get it all right now.  Sex is what you’re after and it’s going to take a lot more to get it. First thing’s first.  Go get yourself a jar of ether and a big roll of duct tape.  This might be your only chance.

Aries
March 20- April 19

You're moving fast, but you lack patience. You're trying to go 90 and you’re getting irritated at somebody who's only going 45. If you had any guts at all you’d run them right off the road and into a ditch but, as usual, you'll settle for flashing your high beams and giving him the finger.  We’re speaking figuratively, of course.

Taurus
April 19 - May 20

Expect a bit of a hassle concerning a loved one and money. Considering how few loved ones you have, and how little money, you should probably enjoy this wile it lasts.  Later this week you’ll fall down a flight of stairs.

Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21

A roommate or somebody else who's close could be critical of you and the best thing to do is to take the offensive with whoever it is. Why not take pictures of you dipping their toothbrush in the toilet? Mail the pictures to them later or simply leave them where they will be found. They'll laugh and laugh, and that should ease those tensions you two have been having.

Cancer
June 21 - July 22

You may feel like making changes, but you can't afford what you want, and you’re simply too inept to do it anyway. You'll end up spending a lot of money and screwing the whole thing up. When are you going to realize that you can't do anything right and you should leave it to others to help you?

Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23

This could be a good weekend for fun and games. Meanwhile try to bring in a little more cash. Does your boss need something done, which you could work into your schedule? I'll bet he does. That fat bastard is always asking for more than what he's paying you for. Tell him he can go screw himself.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

If you're interested in advancing your career, study a foreign language. This will help a little bit, but it will also put you in a position to exploit the efforts of a recent immigrant to this country.  You'll look like you're helping out while all the while you'll be taking advantage of that poor sap. You're just the kind of jerk that would do something like that too aren't you?

Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22

You should have a few details on your mind. Clearing them up may be difficult, and it could take longer than you thought. You're not as smart as you think you are and it takes you a lot longer to figure things out than other people. You'll never amount to anything.

Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You and your gang should get what you need early in the day. Most people are groggy in the morning and will likely not resist the attack. Later on, when they're more alert, you could get yourself shot.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You may have to deal with some constructive criticism. If so, try not to complain or make mournful faces. Instead, thank the perso.. Later, when they're not expecting it you can work out a plan to get them back. Maybe if you weren't so fat, people wouldn't pick on you so much.

Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20

You're confident, and that's good. Unfortunately, your confidence isn't based on any actual abilities you posses, but rather you're complete detachment from reality. Whatever you're working on, you'll soon discover is beyond the reach of your talents and you'll look like a fool once again. You do this all the time. You'd think you would have learned by now.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19

You may feel a tad insecure. You're creative, however. This job may not pay quite as well as you'd like, but it's good practice. You're really not qualified for much more than this anyway and you have a hard time learning new things. Better get used to it!

 
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