Fugly
Did you know?... A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!
2006
June
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
May 12, 2006


By Martin Felcher
May 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Running from the police is almost always a crime but It's a little know fact that, in most major U.S. cities, running toward a police officer and waving a gun around is completely legal. You should do it today. A lot of times they think it's very funny, and they'll appreciate you keeping them on their toes.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You should be through the worst of it. You're actually lucky - and smart, too. You may get further than you thought. Keep digging. You may not be where you want to just yet, but this sure beats 'taking it' in the showers. Bitch.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You may get to be the arbitrator this time. If you find your sweetheart and a friend are in a tug-of-war, offer to referee. If you find your sweetheart and a friend in bed together, bludgeon them both to death with a tire iron. Crimes of passion usually don't warrant the death penalty, and you can really use the exercise.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
I don't think that whole 'neighbor's dog telling you to kill' story is going to fly. It's been used before. Try to think of something more original. How about the neighbor's cat?
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
This would be a good day for you if there wasn't so much whining going on. Children really do demand a lot of attention. "Help. I'm bleeding out of my ears." "Help. I can't feel my legs." Does it ever end? Tell them to go outside and play and take some time for yourself to relax. They'll be fine.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Go over the numbers one more time. Figure out how much you'll need to finance your next project. List all the things you'd like to buy. You don't have to know where you'll get the money; just get prepared. Opportunity might knock. And stop picking your nose so much. Opportunity doesn't knock for nose pickers and besides, it's just gross.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Use constructive criticism, but don't take the blame for something that's not your fault. As a general rule of thumb, try not to take the blame for anything that IS your fault either. Deny deny deny.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Why send your blood pressure through the roof? Instead, enjoy the scenery while you're stuck wherever you are. Looking back, you two really should have agreed on a safety word. Now you're just going to have to bite down on that ball muzzle and try and enjoy it. Make a list of what works and what doesn't.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Everybody's trying to get your attention. Unfortunately, there's only so much of it to go around. You'd like to save a little for yourself, too! They're trying to get your attention to warn you of an approaching bus. Get the hell out of the way! Quit thinking about yourself and pay attention for a change before you get killed, you idiot.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You'll wake up tomorrow in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney. You've only got one left, so next time, try not to look like such a tourist.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Don't get embroiled in a neighbor's problems. You'll be more help if you stay objective, not to mention stay alive. Just close the window or turn up the TV. You may hear screams for help later, but do you really know what the whole story is? She might actually deserve it. Just mind your own business.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
There's not quite enough money to go around. Either cut costs or increase your revenue. Cutting costs looks like the easiest solution now, even though it... You know what, on second thought; why not just mug a few old ladies and increase your revenue. You know you can't stop spending money on booze. A Cancer who's good with numbers could help.
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