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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
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April
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M |
T |
W |
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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If you're worried enough about losing money, you may try
to make some, instead. You could turn a tidy profit today, through
a combination of skill and luck. Oh yeah. And armed robbery. Skill,
luck and armed robbery. That's right. We almost forgot. That last
one is probably the most important considering your bad luck and
complete lack of skills.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Your
first suggestion may not work, and your second idea could flop, too.
Your third idea will make everyone laugh at you and your forth idea
is just downright insulting. If you tell anyone that
forth idea, you'll get your ass kicked. Just keep your stupid ideas
to your self. Dummy |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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This
is a hectic day at work. Everybody's trying out new ideas, most of
which don't work. Just be patient and keep sending out your resume'
and eventually you can quit that dead end job. Wouldn't it be nice
to not have to work with all of these imbeciles anymore? Tell
them that today, and maybe they'll leave you alone. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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A
fool and his or her money are soon parted. I don't know how much
clearer we can make this for you. You're surrounded by fools and you
have no money. Birds of a feather flock together. Does
that help any? God, you're dumb. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Everybody
may demand a lot from you, but you're not alone. A far-away friend
is feeding you helpful information. By helpful information,
we mean a series of well-constructed lies. Your far away friend is a lot closer than
you think, and he or she is having an affair with your partner. Damn, you're gullible. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Expect
confusion and change relating to money. Expect loneliness and despair
relating to relationships. Expect futility and ineptitude relating
to your work. Expect haste and rapidity relating to your death. Expect
nothing relating to respect and as usual, you'll get exactly
what you expect. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Your
plans with friends could go awry. If you're stubborn enough to keep
going, you may still achieve your goals. If you're stupid enough to
believe that those jerks are really your friends, you deserve
whatever happens to you. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You're
generally lucky, but don't push your luck now. Nobody can eat
50 eggs. That was a movie, man. Chances are you'll suffer serious
injury if you try it for real. Quit acting like such an idiot. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Even
though things go wrong for others, you'll land buttered side up. You'll
land in a holding tank with a bunch of other drunks and you'll be
naked and covered with butter, but at least you won't have lint and
dirt stuck all over you. I guess that's a good thing, isn't it? |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may want something special for your home, but be careful. Do a lot
of shopping before you buy it and even more thinking. True, a baby
with Down syndrome is special, but those things are
a pain in the ass to take care of and they cry all the
time. Why not get a dog instead? At least you can keep it
outside if it gets on your nerves. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Friends
might steer you in the right direction, and you need all the help
you can get. Yeah, right. The only people in your life even remotely
close to friends are going to do everything possible to sabotage you.
Better go it alone. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Work
interferes with travel today and might even keep you from going to
lunch with a dear friend. Call in sick or, better yet, see what you
can do to never have to work again. Work has been interfering with
your plans for long enough. We have four words for you. Injured on
the job. |
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