Fugly
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2006
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
February 24, 2006


By Martin Felcher

February 2006
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aries
March 20- April 19
Your friends provide inspiration, but if you leave it all up to them, nothing will ever get done. Planning is important, but don't let it drag on too long. Light a fire under them! Seriously. Sneak up behind them and slide a shallow tray of kerosene under their chair and light it, or wait till they're asleep so you can really soak them good with gasoline. Hit them in the head with a hammer first to make it even easier.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You may feel as if you're carrying the weight of world on your shoulders, but it's really not all that bad. You're just a sissy and you complain too much. Just shut up and do it and quit you're whining.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You're so popular; it's hard to fit all your invitations into one day. Yeah, right. More like it's hard for you to fit your swollen head into one hat. One lousy person pays a little attention to you and you think you're some kind of superstar. Get over it. You're the same loser you've always been.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Some days, the best you can do is to think about how great things are going be, further down the line. Problem is, things aren't ever going to be great, no matter how far down the line you go. Why don't you quit daydreaming and get back to work. Everyone thinks you're planning to kill yourself.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23

You're doing pretty well on your own, but with the right partner, you're awesome. Besides, your hands are kind of rough and you're starting to develop a callous. Putting lipstick on the outside of your index finger and thumb is a poor substitute for a woman, you sicko.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Somebody else's problems could be taking up all your time. Somebody else's financial situation could be getting sorted out, but what about your own? Screw them. Look out for number one. They talk about you behind your back anyway, sucker.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You don't mind when somebody wants to make the decisions. That frees you up to point out whatever modifications are necessary to make things balance perfectly. That's what they tell you anyway. You'd just screw it up if they let you make any really important decisions. They'd rather that you just wait in the car.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

There's just not enough of you to go around. Obviously, since you're such a fat-ass, we're speaking figuratively. Try to plan your day a little better, fatso.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You've got a frisky attitude, and you're curious. You want to know how things work, and you're not afraid to take a risk. I've heard stories about people getting it caught in vacuum cleaners and swimming pool filters but I think they've added safety features to make it safe. Besides, you've really got nothing to lose, do you?
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
The money you need for a household project is close at hand. It might even be in your own pocket. If it's not in your pocket, maybe it's in your partner's pocket. Maybe it's in some old lady's pocket, standing at a secluded ATM. I bet if you ran up to her real fast, and spoke really loudly, she'd be happy to give you some. Wear a mask made from panty-hose so you don't frighten her.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You're naturally inquisitive. You like to figure out what would happen if you did this or that. What do you think would happen if you drank some Liquid Plummer, or stuck a hot fire poker in your eye? Your quest could now lead you into some very interesting new areas.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You don't have much room to be creative. Not in a place like this. You have to pretty much do what you're told, and do it quickly. Maybe if you weren't such a weakling, you wouldn't get pushed around so much.
 
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