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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
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February
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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A
relationship with a different kind of person could turn out well.
There's something fascinating about this individual. Ask questions,
and you'll gain insight. What happened to their arms and legs? How
does blowing into that tiny straw move that crazy wheelchair of theirs?
If you two are out on a date, and they have to use the bathroom, are
you going to have to wipe them? These are things you're going to need
to know. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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And they said
that Polio was eradicated. Shows what they know, doesn't it?
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You're
so cute. Your wit is sparkling, and even you don't know what you'll
come up with next. Try to use the word "whore-monger" as
much as possible today. You'll know why later and you'll thank us
for telling you! Trust us! |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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A
treasure you discover in a closet or attic could be the perfect thing.
With a little baking soda and some ether, voila! You'll have something
good enough to sell so you can buy the thing you really want.
Those new 5000-dollar wheels for your shitty Toyota Corolla will be
yours in no time! |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Don't
cram too much into your schedule because if anything can go wrong,
it will. This advice applies to your ass too. Learn from your
mistakes, you freak. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Newer
microwave ovens are perfectly safe for drying pets and babies. Only
ones made before 1998 will cause your pet or child to cook from the
inside out and explode. I'm pretty sure that's right. Give it a try
today and find out for yourself. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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A
long-distance connection that you make could soon be the start of
something big. Sure, selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese used to
be a big deal, but these days, it's just an innocent second source
of income. Tell everyone you know of your new plans for cash and send
as much email about it as possible. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Nobody
likes you because you are constantly whining about something. Suck
it up, and quit acting like such a baby. Some people are starting to enjoy
watching you suffer. Some others have always enjoyed it. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You're
the brains behind the operation, so speak up! You're usually verbal,
but around some people you can get a little tongue-tied. Speak up
and tell everyone that you're "the only one with half a brain
around here"; and that "they are all a bunch of freaking idiots" They'll
appreciate your honesty and you'll finally start getting the respect
you deserve. That, or a punch in the face. Either way, you deserve
it. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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New
information could cause a flurry of activity. Once your partner finds
out, the shit is really going to hit the fan.
Haha! Playing with shit! Isn't that how you got in this mess in the
first place? |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You're
lookin' good, and so is somebody else. Things would be lot better
if you were also smellin' good . The attraction's mutual and could
lead to great ideas. A partnership? Not a chance. Once they get a
whiff of you, all deals are off. You stink. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Somebody
else's idea of a great adventure could give you the heebie-jeebies.
Stay calm, or at least look like you are. Play it cool and go along
with it but when they start to introduce duct tape into the game,
it's time to leave and leave quickly. Remember what happened
last time. |
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