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August
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
The
best thing for you to do is to focus completely on your work. If your
personal relationship gets in the way, it must mean that they are
trying to stifle you. Get rid of them. Isn't it about time you cut
some dead weight? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
Venus smiles
on you this month and your bank account swells. Invest with a partner
to reap huge profits. Give everything you own to the first person
that asks you for money today. Don't even ask their name, jsut give
them your wallett and car keys. You'll be glad you did. Oh yeah,
your partner is fucking your best friend too. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
True Love can
be yours, this month, but not with the white man. Parents respect
it when you stand up for yourself. What could be better to show
them commitment than you bringing a black man into your bed. Jewish
parents will smile on this gesture the most. Go black, and never
go back. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
You're wooed
by the call of the wild. Take care of business first (before the
16th) and then you can enjoy a recess. Relationship-wise, it's time
for a jaunt into new turf--you'll find someone, but not in your
usual circles. Have a gay encounter at a reststop to see if it's
for you. Kids may have unusual demands. Ask questions to uncover
the truth. Hint: cigarette burns will make them talk. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Venus
heats up both hormones and financial opportunity in May. What better
way to take advantage of this than prostitution? Creativity, play,
and plain old luck abound--it's safe to take chances. Dare to be daring
and great things will result. This can only mean one thing, don't
make him wear a rubber. That's your niche. That's what will seperate
you from the other whores. Reveal the depths of your passion. The
world (and someone special) is ready for it. Oh yeah, and do anal. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
You're
a homebody this month. Make things cozy and then cuddle up. Hearth
and home never looked better. Start those home improvements, board
up those windows and get more guns. It's only a matter of time before
they come for you. You'd better be prepard. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
That
brain of yours has been working overtime, Aries! Don't listen to anyone
today and, whatever you do, don't take their advice! They are out
to destroy you and undermine your plans. You could have to spend a
little cash today. Better start saving for that abortion. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
Whether
you're climbing the professional ladder or navigating the arena of
relationships, you fail miserably. You'll be constantly distracted
today and will have no time for yourself. Libra is out to get you.
You'd be smart to throw the first punch. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
Wherever
you go, whatever you do, you just can't seem to get a fucking break
this month. You're a lot smarter than that. Quit your job today. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
There's
a puzzle to be solved relating to potential love interest. Most likely
they're cheating on you. It would be a good idea for you to follow
them all day today to find out for sure. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
Influential
friends are out to get you. Don't listen to them or accept their help.
At month's end, a secret heartthrob asks you for a commitment. Be
realistic. They're probably just after your money. Security matters.
Tell them that they can go fuck themselves. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
The "go
for it" mood of April continues this month. it's most likely
just the natural progression of your disease. Next month you should
be bed ridden. You'll be dead within a month. |
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